Always a Warbler
by storiesandthings
Summary: Ned, OC, decides that the best way to fit in at Dalton is to become a Warbler, but he gets a lot more than he bargained for.
1. Chapter 1

Ned. Was. Terrified. His entire freshman year, he'd been looking up to the Warblers. He'd always been one of the boys watching, always bobbing his head, just wishing he could be like them. They were so confident, and those smiles just made it seem like they didn't know how to be sad. And towards the end of last year, he'd found himself staring at them when they weren't even performing. Not ogling them or anything, just wanting so badly to be involved. His brothers were all a lot older than him, and he distinctly remembered this feeling from when he was a kid: seeing them playing, wrestling each other, and never being able to join in. He'd always been too young. He was used to being shielded because he was the baby, and he'd let it happen at school too.

He wasn't exactly the toughest-looking boy. He was short, skinny, covered in freckles, and as hard as he tried he couldn't shake that innocent grin. And the big blue eyes and floppy brown hair just laid his innocence out there for the world to see. He'd accepted that he wasn't going to turn into a hunk any time soon. But over the summer he'd made a conscious decision. He wasn't going to stay in the background any more. And as far as he could tell, the best way of making it and Dalton was to become a Warbler.

He took one deep breath after another, gripping onto the sink and staring at himself in the mirror. He blew his fringe out of his eyes. He was already regretting his decision not to use any gel; he hadn't wanted to look like he was trying too hard, but it kept getting in the way. He pushed it back, taking another shaky breath, still locking eyes with himself. He knew his eyes looked cold, like he was going to burst into tears any minute. He knew it because it was true. He kept having the same daydream: standing in front of them, the group of boys he'd built up in his heads to be heroes, and opening his mouth just for silence to fall out and splatter all over the floor, and splash up into his eyes and all over the Warblers, and they'd all get mad that he's got their blazers wet. He had no idea why his silence was wet in this dream. Maybe he'd been staring into his own eyes for too long. Maybe the sound of running taps was playing with his head. Oh God, did he need to pee again? No. No. He'd practised. He hummed a bit just to make sure his vocal chords still worked. Check.

He straightened his tie and hauled himself away from the sink and out of the door, just as another boy, looking extremely sure of himself, strutted out of the senior commons, hands casually slung into his pockets, head held high. Ned stood, frozen, wondering how anyone could be so relaxed. He was so tall, and his hair stood straight up ('Dammit, Ned, _he's_ got his hair up, what were you thinking?'), and he just had a smug smirk plastered across his face. Just looking at the guy made him angry and stressed and even more worried than before, because why couldn't _he_ feel that confident, and how dare this asshole walk around like he owned the place, and how dare he be so convincing at it? Ned _believed_ he owned the place. A blonde head popped out of the doorway leading into the senior commons.

"Is there a Ned out here?" Ned took a few seconds to respond. His mood had gone from terrified to frustrated because of that damn boy, and then in a skipped heartbeat he was trembling with fear again.

" Um, yep. Me. H-hi." He tried hard not to stutter, but couldn't help it. The boy gave him a knowing smile and a little nod. Ned felt better almost instantly.

"Jeff. Hey. We're ready for you. Step this way." He held the door open, and as he walked through, Ned felt his skin burning, his heart pounding, his hands getting clammy, but smiled back at Jeff. He could at least pretend this was easy. Maybe he could fool them into thinking he had a clue what he was doing.


	2. Chapter 2

Ned smiled nervously at Jeff as he walked into the room. His fingers twitched, pulling nervously at the bottom of his blazer. Wes and David were scribbling notes at the grand table at one end of the room, looking frustrated and muttering to each other.

"He's good. I'm not arguing. It's just the attitude... I can't really seem him as a Warbler-"

Jeff cleared his throat loudly, nodding in Ned's direction and glaring at them. If they weren't gentle with this kid, he might faint or something. He'd frozen a couple of metres away, even though Jeff had nearly reached the table, when he heard them talking and saw the exasperation in their faces. Jeff scuttled back to guide him forwards, giving his arm a reassuring rub.

"Guys, this is Ned. He's a sophomore." And then he told Ned, "Just take a deep breath. You can start whenever you're ready." Ned wanted to smile back at him and thank him, but he just stood there. He swallowed hard. Wes and David saw him trembling and softened immediately. They looked apologetic for a second, then in perfect synchronisation they started smiling at him, openly and encouragingly. Wes, as usual, took the lead as the audition got underway.

"Sorry. It's been a long day. Some Warblers are hard to replace." The three of them shared a sad glance as Jeff sat down. They had to try hard to hold back, as it was impossible to explain to an outsider how weird it was when someone left the group. And losing Kurt and Blaine within months of each other – they knew how lame it sounded, but it sucked. And so far they hadn't had much luck finding anyone new. There had been a few good singers, one really good, but they just hadn't clicked with them. Chemistry was just as important as talent. "So, what song are you going to be singing today?" He made a conscious effort to keep smiling, but it was surprisingly easy with this kid. He reminded them all of Blaine when he first auditioned: frightened, innocent, wide-eyed, just kind of adorable. Ned blinked and swallowed again. Jeff cut in.

"It's cool. Just take your time. You're the last guy today, so we've got time."

"Actually, it puts you in a pretty good position. We're all so relieved that it's almost time to go home, we'll probably like you whatever you do." David added, grinning.

"Um... OK. Well, I'm Ned, I mean, you already know that... But yeah, I-I'm Ned and I'm going to sing 'You Make it Real' by James Morrison."

"Man, that's a great song. Just go for it whenever you're ready. I promise David will try his very hardest not to cry." David rolled his eyes at Jeff, but went straight back to smiling at Ned. Jeff leaned back in his chair, trying to show Ned how chilled out they all were. The other two didn't get what he was doing, and continued to lean forward, elbows on the desk, hands clasped, excited to hear him. His shoulders were tense, and he hadn't blinked for about a minute, but he took another deep breath, and started singing. Jeff stopped trying to look casual. He'd been pushing back on his chair, balancing it on its back legs, but he let it drop forward with a quiet thump. His voice was so simple. The others has been taking the 'warbler' thing a bit too literally, straying so far from the notes they sounded like lonely goat herds. But Ned wasn't showing off or getting cocky. He was just trying his absolute hardest to get it right. And it was working. It didn't matter that his voice wasn't perfect, or that he missed a couple of the higher notes, or that he wasn't belting out every note like some kind of diva. Everything about his performance was honest and pure. The Warblers were impressed, not just because he looked like he was feeling every word, but because _impressing_ them didn't seem to be his main focus like the others. It was like all he wanted to do was sing. His shoulders relaxed as he kept going, and he began to smile. His eyes were closed now, and he managed to express just as much without them. His fists clenched and he pulled them up towards his chest, gesticulating more and more as the song went on.

He got to the end. He finally opened his eyes, full of tears because of the song and his nerves and the feeling he'd screwed it all up, to see three boys staring at him, eyes wide open. Mouth wide open too, in Jeff's case. Subtlety wasn't his strong point. There was a moment of silence. It could only have lasted ten seconds, but to Ned it felt like a month. One by one, they blinked back to life.

"Well," Wes stuttered, back into seasoned professional mode, "Thanks for coming in. Obviously, we can't tell anyone right away how they've done, but that – that was – you're – just make sure you're here on Monday when we announce who's made it." Ned's mouth was now hanging open too. He kept blinking back tears, fiddling with the hem on his blazer again. He looked so small and vulnerable and fragile, like if one of them had given him a congratulatory boop on the nose he would've shattered on the spot. He'd exhausted himself by worrying all day and giving the song everything, and now he could barely breathe.

Wes and David looked anxiously at Jeff, who was still staring at Ned in awe. Wes gave him a nudge.

"Why don't you give Ned a bit of a de-briefing?" Jeff turned his head to face Wes, mouth still hanging wide open. "Jeff? Listen." He placed a firm hand on Jeff's arm. "David and I are going to go. As you brought Ned in, maybe you should just... You know. Calm him down." Wes needn't have tried so hard to be subtle. Ned couldn't hear a word they were saying anyway. Jeff blinked, shook his head and finally closed his mouth, nodding.

"Yep. Right. Gotcha." He stood up and jogged over to Ned, patting him on the back. Wes and David slung their satchels over their shoulders and walked out, smiling at Ned, Wes giving his shoulder a squeeze and David ruffling his hair. Jeff could still hear them as they walked down the corridor.

"Do you think the hair ruffle was too much? He just looked so lost and little, I did it without thinking-"

"No kidding, you weren't thinking. That was so patronizing. If anyone ruffled my hair, I'd punch them in the face."

"No you wouldn't. You're better than that. You are man of peace and love, not violence. Speaking of love, what was the homoerotic shoulder-squeeze about? He'll think you were grooming him."

"David, don't be so juvenile. And we should probably continue this outside; we're pretty loud and sound travels well in this place. I don't to freak him out any more than we have to."

"Please. He's dumbstruck. He won't know what's going on."

"True." There was a pause. "He was good though, wasn't he?" David nodded. "He looked just like-"

"I know, I know. Now, let's talk about who else we want..."

Jeff tried again to get through to Ned, who had barely breathed since he stopped singing.

"OK, Neddy, it's all over. They've gone. You can relax." Ned flinched slightly, like he'd snapped out of a dream. "There you go. How are you feeling? You look pretty freaked out. I thought you'd gone into a coma or something for a second there." Maybe Jeff wasn't the perfect person to make Ned feel better, but he kept trying anyway. "Listen, you can go. It's the weekend. Party time or something." He gave Ned's shoulders a little shake. "Come on, kid. You did well." Ned blinked at him.

"What- How was it? I messed up. I'm sorry, it's just because I'm nervous. I've never really done much singing, not in front of people, but I've always liked doing it, and I think the Warblers are really good-" Jeff pulled back a bit, surprised by his outburst, just nodding and trying to keep up with him. This was a big change to make, from silence to gabbling in half a second. "I mean, I just see the way you guys are around school, and I've seen you perform, of course, and you're all so nice, and you didn't have to be so nice to me, you know, because you've had a long day and I'm not very good or anything. But you kept smiling and making me calm down, well as much as anyone could have, so thank you. Thank you for seeing me. I appreciate it. But don't worry about upsetting me, because I just feel good for coming and trying, even if I don't make it. Which I won't. But I'll go home now and know I'll have had a shot, no matter what happens. Thanks again, and have a good weekend, and, um, bye." Jeff was frozen to the spot for a second. It was a bit too much information for him to take in at once. But he managed to digest it in time to run after Ned, who had bolted as soon as the word 'bye' had escaped his mouth. He grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. Ned tensed up again, not used to being yanked like that.

"Woah, it's cool, it's only me. Look, I don't know why you're beating yourself up. You blew us all away, OK? You sang really well, like you really cared."

"I do. I do care, I care so much-" Jeff raised a hand.

"Stop. I can't handle any more of that yet. Listen to me. You were good. You couldn't tell, because you were too busy wigging out, but they loved it. We all loved it. Now I'm not supposed to give anything away, and I'm really not supposed to use coarse language, but calm your shit. You're in. Welcome to the Warblers." A small smile appeared on Ned's face, and his eyes opened even wider if it was possible. Jeff grinned back. "Now I've got to get home. I have a lot of homework to avoid like the plague. See you Monday. And try and act surprised when we say your name."

That would be easy enough. Ned was pretty sure this was a surprise he'd never get over.


	3. Chapter 3

"You're in."

"_You're in._"

Ned replayed it over and over in his head. He managed to convince himself every five minutes that he's got it wrong. He must have misunderstood somehow. He'd screwed up so many of the notes, and he'd been shaking the whole time, and his eyes has been glued shut. The weekend had been torture; he went through this loop of doubting and reassuring himself until he could hardly remember Friday. Apart from those words. "You're in. Welcome to the Warblers." He'd said it like it was no big deal, and carried on saying other stuff. Ned was pretty sure it was just a mash of sounds and clicks coming out of a big smile.

He tried to look casual walking into the common room. He could see the other boys doing the same thing, but nobody was hiding their nerves particularly well. Ned couldn't help but smile a bit when he remembered, yet again, that he'd already made it, but something put a stop to that pretty quickly. Someone. Ned's eyes had landed on the boy who'd auditioned before him on Friday. Of course, Ned wasn't really the type to hate anyone, but boys like him brought out the worst in everybody. He was leaning back, legs crossed, arms folded, ignoring everyone else and staring out of the window, a smug smirk on his face that said 'I'd rather sit in silence than talk to these nobodies'. Ned smirked back (not that the boy noticed), remembering enough about Friday to know the Warblers weren't crazy about him. He suppressed his bitchy thoughts and took a seat to one side. The last thing he wanted to do was give anything away and go against the Warblers' instructions on his first day. Just as he realised he'd been looking at the boy for a bit too long, he heard a gavel banging. Suddenly he was brought crashing back into the room, surrounded by noisy, excitable young men as if they'd come out of nowhere, and the noise halted just as quickly. Everyone (with one obvious exception, who was apparently a bad-ass) looked at the desk at the end of the room, with Jeff, Wes and David sitting behind it, just like they had on Friday.

"Gentlemen, if I could have your attention..." Wes didn't need to say anything. They'd all shut up after one bang of the gavel. "Now, you all did really well last week. We're lucky to have so much talent at our disposal." Ned was struggling to keep his cool. Soon that 'we' would include him. "But as you all know, we only have spaces for two new Warblers. Otherwise, we'd let you all in. Anyway, the newest additions to the Dalton Academy Warblers are..." There was so much tension in the room that even Captain Cocky's eyes were shifting from side to side. "... Ned Greene..." Ned didn't have to feign surprise as he felt hands patting him on the back and heard people congratulating him. "... And Sebastian Smythe." The reaction was different this time. Everyone looked at that boy. Apparently he was Sebastian. And apparently Ned wasn't the only one who had taken an instant dislike to him. Nobody said anything to him. They kept smiling at Ned, and either ignoring Sebastian or giving him dirty looks and muttering things under their breath. Ned was just looking at him. For a second, something changed. There was a flicker of a frown as he looked down, then he glanced over at Ned and the boys congratulating him. He looked confused. Hurt. But it disappeared just as quickly, as he rolled his eyes and stood up, swinging his bag over his shoulder. The others couldn't help but turn as he spoke:

"Cool. Thanks. So when do rehearsals start?" Everyone was surprised by his response. Anyone else would have been doing cartwheels. Ned would have, if the shoulder-pats and shock weren't weighing him down, sticking him to his seat. Also, Ned couldn't do cartwheels. He was pretty sure he was going to struggle with the Warblers' two-step. After a pause, Wes got over Sebastian's anti-climactic reaction. It threw him off, but he'd been doing this far too long to let the new guy faze him. Jeff, on the other hand, was sitting with his mouth open again.

"Today at 3:30. And as we have to integrate you and Ned into the group so close to Sectionals, we'll be meeting every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. We have a lot of work to do; I hope you realise that, Sebastian." The room emptied quickly as everyone went to class. Ned stood and tried to move towards the desk. It wasn't easy, as he was jostled by boys slapping him on the back, ruffling his hair and saying 'Good job!' and 'You deserve it, man!'. In a few seconds it was just Ned, Sebastian and the three lead Warblers. David was smiling at Ned encouragingly, Jeff was sitting awestruck by how brazen Sebastian was being, and Wes was fixing him with a cool stare. We've actually got plans for an ambitious number, so until we pick a soloist we need to get to work. We'll see you back here this afternoon. We should all be getting to class." He offered a stiff hand and a cordial smile to Sebastian. He had to make it clear who was in charge. He'd seen this guy's type before, and he still wasn't sure about having him on the team. But he did have a good voice. And that was what they needed after losing Kurt and Blaine. Sebastian took his hand, squeezing it predictably too hard, meeting Wes' glare head-on. "Welcome aboard." Sebastian simply nodded back, not even bothering to pay Jeff and David any attention. Ned, on the other hand, got an expressionless look up and down, followed by the subtlest smirk. Ned felt tiny again, gawping back helplessly. He didn't know what he'd done to deserve that, and he continued to stare as Sebastian strutted out of the room. He turned back to the Warblers, _his fellow Warblers_, and their expressions had changed already. They were all smiling at him.

"I don't know if I said anything on Friday, but thank you. Thank you so much. I know I wasn't great, but I'll get better, I promise-" The others laughed, and David walked around the desk and squeezed his shoulder. Wes feigned a glare in Jeff's direction.

"Of course, you weren't supposed to know until today-" Ned started to apologise but Jeff put up his hand. Not to shut him up, just to say 'It's OK; he doesn't mean it'. Wes turned to David and Ned. "But it's good to have you with us. Your singing was better than you think, and that kind of attitude is what being a Warbler is all about. We're a team. You don't have to stand out and be perfect all the time. It's all about being a team, and being willing to work hard."

"Exactly. I think you're gonna be just fine.", Davie added.

"I don't know if I can say the same for that Smythe guy-", Jeff chimed in, followed quickly by a jab in the ribs from Wes' elbow. "What? The guy's an ass-hole-"

"Jeff, language! Your parents don't pay your tuition so you can express yourself with all the eloquence of a caveman. We're better than that." Wes looked back to the door and sighed. "Anyway, he's our ass-hole now." There was a pause of uncertainty before they let themselves get excited about Ned. David left a hand on his back and he smiled nervously at Wes until Jeff jumped at him, pulling him into a hug. Ned flinched, taken aback by the physical contact. He quite liked it, though. It was hard to feel nervous when someone jumped at you this fearlessly, like just hugging you, squeezing you as tight as possible was all that mattered. Ned had friends; he'd just never felt this at ease before. He stopped feeling fragile and anxious. He just felt stupidly happy.


	4. Chapter 4

"OK guys," David said, as everyone was struggling with the choreography. There was more to the two-step than it seemed. Ned was relieved that he wasn't the only one having trouble; everyone was pretty rusty. And the harmonies were almost impossible. Wes hadn't been lying, the number really was ambitious. It was like nothing they'd ever done before: 'Electric Feel' by MGMT. It had such potential, and they all knew how they wanted it to sound, but it was hard. Jeff was taking the lead for now until they figured out who could handle it, but it was a bit much for him. He was one of the only Warblers who actually preferred being in the background. It was much easier. He could goof off and get away with it, whereas this way, people actually noticed when he didn't pay attention. And he rarely paid attention.

Trent slapped Ned on the back, asking how he was finding Warbler life. He smiled, nodded, and muttered something about it being fun but scary. Trent and a couple of the others were encouraging, but Ned just glanced nervously at David, who was sitting with his head in his hands, massaging his temples and getting more and more frustrated. It wasn't something he'd normally do, but Ned decided to try and help while everyone else talked and laughed. He thanked Trent for being so thoughtful and walked over to David.

"For what it's worth, I think we're doing pretty well." David looked up at him, surprised that this was the same shaky little bird who'd auditioned on Friday. "I mean, considering we've only just started, and it's a hard number, and it can't help having newbies dragging you down – well, newbie."

"Woah, Ned, of course you're not dragging us- wait. What do you mean, newbie? Singular? Where's Smythe?" Ned liked that he got 'Ned' but with Sebastian it seemed to be strictly last name only. "Wes?" Wes looked up from his notebook where he'd been furiously making notes on how to make the performance run more smoothly.

"Hmm?"

"Don't you think we're missing something?"

"Apart from a soloist who gives a... Hoot?" Always responsible.

"Come on, Jeff's only temporary for this one. No, what I meant was, _someone_ hasn't shown up." Wes' face fell. He didn't need to look to know who it was. He was regretting his decision already.

"I'm regretting this decision already. It's almost 4. What's he playing at?"

"I have no idea. But anyway, about the solo... How about the other new kid?" It was only at this point that he realised he'd completely blanked Ned after his attempt to comfort him. "Ned? Sorry about that. Listen-"

"David, are you sure? It's his first day-"

"Just for now. He can't be worse than him." David nodded towards Jeff, who was encouraging Nick and Thad to punch in the arm repeatedly and looking pleased with himself because it hadn't fallen off yet. God only knew why. Wes tilted his head looking at him. David had a point. Wes sighed.

"OK. Just don't pressure him. Only if he feels ready." Ned bit his lip. He could see where this was going. But surely not, not this soon. _No way_.

"Listen, Ned, I was wondering," _Yes way_, "if you'd mind taking the lead for this song. I noticed you knew the words already. In a lot of ways it's easier than learning the other parts." Ned said nothing, continuing to chew on his lip. "I mean, we'd just give it a try for today. If it doesn't work out, someone else can do it." David noticed Ned's lack of reaction. "Ned? OK, Ned, if you don't want to, I guess Nick could-"

"No. I mean, yes. I'd like to try it."

"Really? I mean, great, but you don't have to."_ Yeah, Ned. Really? What are you doing, idiot?A solo? God..._ Ned silenced the voice in his head. He took a deep breath.

"Yeah. You know, just a trial run for now. Can't hurt, right?" He was actually pulling off the nonchalance thing. He surprised himself. Actually, the surprised face might have been a bit revealing, but who cared? He was going to do it. Just go for it. If he didn't pass out or puke or punch someone while trying to get the moves right.

Five minutes later, and it was going well. Which meant it was a shambles, of course, but _he_ hadn't done anything wrong, and that was a success as far as he was concerned. They started running it from the top, with him even daring to improvise with his own steps while the others stayed in attempted unison behind him. He felt like Freddie Mercury or Blaine Anderson or someone. It was unbelievable, until something stopped him moving. He tried to keep singing, but he'd only got as far as 'she's got the current in her hand to shock you like you won't believe' when he couldn't concentrate any more. The others turned to see what he was staring at, and spotted Sebastian leaning against the door frame, arms folded. The number came to a halt. Nobody turned up this late to a rehearsal, especially not a brand new Warbler. He didn't even look sorry.

"This guy? You're giving him a solo already?" No way. They weren't having that. Wes stepped forward so that he was standing just in front of the Warblers. Just in front of Ned. Jeff managed to suppress a snort of laughter at him playing mother hen. He had good intentions, even if he looked like a douchebag.

"Smythe, you're late." Sebastian laughed and looked Ned up and down.

"Yeah, I'm late, but at least I'm _good_." Ned blinked. _Don't cry. Don't cry. No, that's not a lump in your throat; maybe you just didn't swallow something properly earlier. OK, you haven't eaten all day, but whatever. It's fine. Just don't look at him. I said don't. Look at the floor. Look at Wes. Anything._ But it was no good. He was stuck, staring, his eyes stinging.

"We all had serious doubts about you, _Mr Smythe_." Jeff had to clap his hand over his mouth to stop himself laughing. Wes went on: "You can sing; I'll give you that. But you know what? It's not enough. If you come strolling in here half an hour late, like you don't even care, and think you're going to get _anywhere_ as a Warbler, you can think again." Everyone was silent now, except Jeff, who was biting on his knuckles and making weird squeaking noises. Sometimes stuff just gets funnier when you know you're not supposed to be laughing. "Maybe you think opportunities are just going to appear for you. Maybe up until now that's how it's worked. Well not any more." Wes took another step forward, so that he was about half a metre away from Sebastian. Jeff was turning red, just as Ned had gone so pale he was almost translucent. "At Dalton, you make your own opportunities. Ned was working hard, so we gave him a shot, and he's doing well. He might even get to do the number for Sectionals." A couple of the boys started whispering 'For Sectionals?' excitedly. Nobody this new had been given a solo, except Blaine. "You have absolutely _no_ right to pass _any_ judgement on decisions we make, especially since you didn't even- _dammit_ Jeff, what is so funny?"

"Its- it's just- where did you even go, dude? You board. You had nowhere to go other than here." Everyone, including Ned, looked at Jeff, then turned to stare at Sebastian again. "You thought you'd try and keep up the badass thing, so you were – you were late on purpose-" And with that, Jeff was doubled over, gasping for air. Some of the others were sniggering. Ned had to bite his lip. Only Wes kept his composure.

"Interesting." Sebastian looked to the side, blushing a little. "So I take it you sloped off to your room for a while just so that you could look like you didn't care. Well, we like it when people care. People like Ned. So if you want to look cool, I suggest you leave. Come back on Wednesday, and if you put in the effort, you can stay. Right now, I think we've done too much without you for you to catch up. _Maybe_ if you ask Ned nicely, and apologise for being so rude to him (Ned stared at his shoes, his cheeks burning), he'll catch you up. As you're both new, it might be a good idea to stick together. Hopefully his attitude will be contagious. But for now, I don't want to see you in here. Goodbye, Mr Smythe." Sebastian opened his mouth to argue, but Wes had already turned around and got back to work. He glanced at Ned, who was still shaking, and walked out. Before he knew what he was doing, Ned ran after him.

"Sebastian! Stop!" He grabbed the boy's shoulder, turning him around.

"What? Come to rub it in? God, why are you all so uptight?" His cheeks were still red, but so were Ned's.

"No, I just – I was wondering if you wanted to meet up? Like Wes said? I don't mind helping you-"

"Why do you think I need your help?" Ned looked up at him with those big, innocent eyes. He looked kind of hurt, and even Sebastian couldn't help feeling guilty. "Sorry. That... That'd be cool. Maybe tomorrow night?" Ned grinned.

"No problem! I board too, so I could come to your room or something. I've got homework to do first, so around 7?" Sebastian felt disarmed by how eager he was. It was almost cute. He wasn't his type, but there was something about him. He was just... Nice. Sebastian didn't think anyone was actually _nice_ any more. He nodded.

"7 sounds good. I'm in room 30. The East wing. I'll... I'll see you tomorrow."

"Cool! Well, I better get back. We can't _both_ get in trouble!" He was gone in a flash. Sebastian stood still for a minute, wondering what had just happened. Eventually, he shook it off and went back to his room.

After rehearsal, Ned was mobbed by Warblers. They slapped him on the back, Trent tickled him, Jeff attacked him from behind with a hug, and even Wes, despite how pissed off he was with Sebastian, gave him a smile and a pat on the shoulder. They'd all forgotten about the arguing from before as soon as Ned started singing again. After he'd spoken to Sebastian, he came back with a huge grin on his face, bursting with energy and confidence. Not to mention his cheeks were bright pink. They'd all seen this before, that kind of smile, less than a year ago. They managed to pretend they hadn't noticed, but they were all thinking the same thing: Sebastian? Really?


	5. Chapter 5

Sebastian couldn't stop thinking about Ned. What was his angle? There was no way he actually _wanted _to help. Why would anyone help a guy who was such a blatant threat to them? He had the innocent, blinky thing down, but Seb saw straight through it.

Mostly.

Almost.

OK, not at all. He knew it couldn't be for real, obviously, but he couldn't figure our what he was covering up.

Suddenly, his cock felt cold. He snapped back to reality and glared at the indiscriminate twenty-something blonde kneeling in front of him, who'd pulled away from his crotch.

'Did I say you could stop?' He looked upset. Not that Seb cared. He was far from satisfied.

'But Stewart, baby,' Ah. Tonight he was Stewart. Scoring as Sebastian had gotten too easy, so lately he'd been alternating between personae. Stewart was coy, inexperienced, and "my last boyfriend… my only boyfriend… he never did that to me… it was always the other way around…" Blondie, whatever his name was, had smiled and cupped his face and attempted a tender, heartfelt kiss. It had been clumsy and wet, and Seb barely managed to turn his groan of exasperation into some kind of grateful whimper. And now here they were, against a wall outside scandals, with Sebastian resisting the urge to reach for his phone and check the time.

'I've been going for fifteen minutes and, um,' he glanced pointedly at Seb's semi, 'I don't want to be - are you nervous?' The words were thoughtful. It would have been sweet of him to check, if he'd fully pulled away, but as far as he knew, _Stewart_ was already fragile. He couldn't take his hand away; the poor kid could have had abandonment issues to overcome. So he squeezed Sebastian encouragingly. Like a pat on the shoulder, or a 'hang in there buddy!', but on his balls. A reassuring ball-squeeze. Fucking hell.

Sebastian choked back a laugh. He was torn. He could stay in character. He could blame his heartbreak, his ex, his shock at being shown such care and understanding. Or -

'Christ, please tell me I imagined that. Tell me you didn't actually just squeeze my-' He rolled his eyes at the hurt face in front of him, and zipped up his jeans. 'Really? Puppy dog eyes? It's not exactly cute when that mouth's just been on my dick, OK?' The guy was speechless, kneeling and gawping up at him. 'Normally, I'd keep playing along. Stewart's one of my favourites, but this really isn't worth it. It's too fucking easy. Get up, asshole. I'm sure there's someone in there who won't be able to tell how much you _suck_ at sucking.'

He didn't stand up. He stayed on the floor, staring helplessly at Sebastian as he sauntered off into the night and back to Dalton.

Seb didn't look back. He needed to focus if he was going to figure Ned out. It was easier fully dressed, but his judgement was somewhat clouded by his sexual frustration. What if he really was as innocent as he seemed? Whatever he was doing, it was working at school. He had them eating out of his hand. He'd already gotten a solo. Sebastian had heard about people auditioning time after time without getting one, and Ned had waltzed in and got it on day one.

That afternoon had been embarrassing, to say the least. They were really into the 'team spirit' thing, and he _really_ wasn't. He'd been in threesomes that were less gay than Warbler practise, but he needed to do something. He knew he was good. He was better than the idiot who couldn't stop laughing, and that uppity Asian guy needed to pull the stick out of his ass if he wanted to put any emotion into a song instead of stepping from side to side like a robot in a tie. Then there was Ned. He was just trying so damn hard. He was happy to let everyone know how much he cared about choir, and they loved it. Maybe if he could get Ned on his side, the others would fall in line. And judging by how eager he was to help, it would probably be pretty easy. Now that he thought about it, Ned was like Stewart, except he didn't want to punch him in the face. He was just... Nice. Sebastian didn't normally associate with _nice_ boys, but maybe in this case he could make an exception. Just for the bonus points with the Warblers while he was stuck in Ohio. There was fuck all else to do in this shitty town.


	6. Chapter 6

Sebastian concentrated on Ned all day. This was going to be his project while he was here: Turn the good boy bad. Take his place at the top of the heap. It was enough to keep his mind occupied for a few months, then maybe he could convince his parents to get him the hell out of here. He kept his head down, quietly observing the way he acted around the others. It was mostly boring. He paid attention in class, he bit his lip when he concentrated, physical contact made him jump a little, standard shy-kid mannerisms. But then, during French, something happened. Something interesting.

"So, we're just making out in her dorm, and things are getting, you know, _fun_," Jeff was rambling about some conquest he'd probably imagined, supposedly from Crawford, "and her phone rings in her pocket, except it's on vibrate. So suddenly she kind of twitches, and gasps, and let's just say she's ignoring the phone call. She pins me to the bed-" They were all lapping it up, apart from Ned. He kept his eyes on his textbook. Sebastian smirked to himself. "- and I swear she was practically begging for it, and suddenly we hear a squeal outside the door. Her dumbass room-mate is shouting something about clogs, and she climbs off me and starts shoving me into the closet, because apparently 'clogs' was code for a faculty member coming-"

"Well at least _someone_ was-" Jeff punched David in the arm.

"Seriously, it was like something out of American Pie. I almost died in there! And then the room-mate, Clara or something, comes in all upset and they forget about me. I was in the stupid closet for two hours!"

"It's true," Nick added, "He was texting me the whole time asking me to come and rescue him."

"Texts which you never answered, by the way!"

"Well it's not my fault you got stuck in there, why should I come and save you? You got out the window fine in the end, didn't you?"

"Yeah, only a few cuts and bruises, I guess... Worth it. Man, she was incredible. I can't wait 'til Christmas vacation. Her parents are going away without her, so as soon as we get her little sister out of the way, we've got her place to ourselves. You know what that means..." They all started shoving him, accusing him of making it up, offering to take her off his hands and show her what she was missing. Jeff went bright red. Even though they were talking like misogynistic frat boys, they were actually just happy for him. Between them and the girl's friends, it'd taken months to get them together, and as much as Jeff liked to pretend he was a player, he was smitten. Ned kept trying to join in, but every time they mentioned sex, every time they mentioned _girls_, he went quiet. Back to the textbook. Back to biting the lip. Fiddling with his uniform when his hand couldn't hold his pen properly. He'd never seen someone so uncomfortable.

This just got a lot more interesting.

7:01pm. He waited for a minute after hearing the timid knock at his door.

"Sebastian? This is Sebastian's room right? It's me- it's Ned. Sorry I'm a little late-" Sebastian rolled his eyes and opened the door.

"I think I can forgive one minute." He flashed him a smile and let him in. Ned thought nothing of the transformation and sat on the bed, tucking his feet underneath him. He presumed Sebastian was just nicer alone. Like he didn't need to put up a front. It was a welcome change. Sebastian slid into the chair at his desk.

"You were quiet today. Actually, you're always pretty quiet. Don't you like it here?" Sebastian looked down at his hands. He shrugged one shoulder.

"It's not that, it's just... I don't know. I guess it's not that I don't like the school; I just feel like the school doesn't like _me_."

"Hey, of course they do-"

"Really?" Ned stood up and put a hand on Sebastian's arm.

"I think they will if you let them. You're just not giving them much to work with. I bet if you acted more like this, showed them it mattered to you, they'd like you a lot more." Sebastian slowly looked up at him. He'd planned what he was going to say, word for word, and Ned was just laying the foundations for his vulnerable routine. He paused a little longer than he'd intended to, forgetting his lines for a second when he saw Ned's eyes. He just looked so earnest, so desperate to help.

"I don't know. I mean, I know I seem sort of... You know... Off-" Ned couldn't help snorting.

"That's one way of putting it." Wait. That was wrong.

"What?"

"Well, you turned up late on purpose, you laughed at Wes, and you weren't exactly Prince Charming with me. It was like you didn't even want to be there. Can you blame them for not taking you seriously?"

"I-"

"I'm being too harsh, aren't I? I just think if you want people to like you, you could try being nicer to them." He was stumped. The logic was flawless. No, he had a plan.

"You really think so? That's it?"

"That's what I did, and I got a solo. Seems like a solid plan." Sebastian's forehead wrinkled slightly. This boy was so frustrating. Was he playing games too? God, this was annoying. He powered through, sticking to his plan.

"I just feel like they'll never like me now. What if it's too late? They probably all hate me now-" he could feel himself babbling, laying it on too thick, but he couldn't stop himself. "I mean, maybe I've screwed it all up, and even if I try really hard, they probably still won't like me. Nobody ever likes me." _Shut up, Sebastian. Please. Pretty please_. Ned was looking at him like he was insane, and it was justified.

"Woah, there. You know what? You're not allowed to say nobody likes you any more. Sebastian Smythe, I officially... Don't hate you. I've met nice Sebastian, and even if he talks too much, he's OK." _That's more like it. _Sebastian paused, just staring into Ned's eyes. He ignored his puzzled frown, and slowly moved in, tilting his head slightly and pressing his lips against Ned's.

At first, Ned's eyes widened with panic. After a second he closed them, just because it seemed rude not to, but as soon as he felt a hand on his leg he jumped away.

"What? What are you doing? I'm not – No!"

"Oh, I get it. You're straight, right?"

"Yes! I didn't even know you were – I mean, it's fine obviously, but I, I like girls. I'm straight. Sorry."

"Sure. And how many girls have you 'liked' lately?"

"What?"

"Well, doesn't anyone ever ask you? What do you tell your mother, when she asks if you've met any nice _young ladies_ yet?"

"I-I... What? Where would I even meet any girls? This is an all-boys' school!" Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "Stop doing that!"

"What?"

"looking at me like that. I don't, I mean, I don't want to be rude, but I just don't-"

"You don't like me?" Ned shrugged, his mouth open, trying to find the politest way of putting it. "Ned, I've seen you looking at me. I don't even think you know you're doing it." Ned frowned. Had he been... _Looking_? "You know what? It doesn't matter. Maybe I was just imagining things. We should get to work; I heard we were doing MGMT, and that's not going to be easy."

"Sebastian, you just-"

"Ned, it's cool. The last thing I wanted to do was freak you out. I guess you didn't mean to, you know-"

"What?"

"You were kind of... Giving me signals. Don't worry about it. Just teach me the part." He reverted to cocky idiot. He flashed Ned the practised smile, oozing confidence, even though technically he'd just been rejected. He was supposed to stick with vulnerability, but changed his mind at the last second. This way, maybe Ned would think he was putting up a façade again. He never changed his plans. He could've kicked himself, but it was too late. He had to stay with it. The important thing was that the idea was in Ned's mind. That one wasn't going to leave him alone.

Ned shook his head to try and regain his senses, fussing with his sheet music. What if he _had_ been looking at Sebastian? He was... No. Of course not. He'd never liked boys before now. But he hadn't exactly been lusting after girls either. He looked up at Seb now. He was biting his lip, and he put his palm on his forehead, closing his eyes for a second and sighing his name.

"Oh, Ned, I'm so sorry. I've made things weird. I really didn't want to make you uncomfortable." _Yes I did. I'll make you feel more than that_. "Really, forget it happened. I'll just let you teach me how to win the Warblers over. If you want to keep this professional, that's totally fine." _If_. He had to say _if_. That left room for him to change his mind. Ned nodded, although it came off as more of a twitch.

"Right. Yeah, I mean, that's probably best. Because I'm straight and everything." Sebastian felt a smile brewing in his stomach, either from the fact that he'd had an effect or from Ned's impression of a baby deer in the headlights. He pushed it down, because he was better than that. He couldn't screw the plan up on day 2.


	7. Chapter 7

It had taken a few weeks, but the song was finally coming together, and it sounded amazing. Ned kept the solo, and he got better every time he sang it. Sebastian didn't even mind taking a back seat, because even though his part alone sounded weird, when they came together they were great. It was amazing being surrounded by all those different sounds, like he was being enveloped by them, swimming in them. And the whole time, he got to watch Ned. It was a different boy to the one he'd seen about to audition a month ago. His hands weren't shaking, his voice wasn't faltering, he had the biggest smile on his face, and seeing it made the rest of them smile too. Including Sebastian. He'd started to concentrate more on just trying to be his friend than anything else. It was refreshing how innocent he was, how he didn't have an agenda, wasn't trying to beat anyone. Ned beamed and the smirking, smug Seb disappeared. It was really hard to scheme and plot when there was a kid with big blue eyes grinning and singing at you. He stopped thinking about how he was standing, what his face was doing, and beamed back. Sometimes just watching the back of Ned's head would make him screw up his steps mid-performance, but the others didn't get angry with him any more. They just nudged each other and smiled as they saw Sebastian changing in front of them, all because of Ned.

Every day they didn't have official practise, Ned would come into his room to work on the song, or to think about other songs, or to do Chemistry, or Geometry, or English. They rarely got anything done. They just talked, sometimes until they could see the sun come up. Most of the other boys went home at weekends, meaning they'd have the school pretty much to themselves. One Saturday, at the start of October, Sebastian was in Ned's room for the first time. Until now he'd been making Ned come to him, but he needed help with his Biology homework. It had taken him a while to find the room, but he couldn't text him to check where it was. It felt mean to point out the fact that he'd never been there, a month into their... Whatever it was.

"I don't get it. Why?"

"Why not?"

"Ned, I don't think that's really going to fly. Why would anybody want to do it?"

"Well, if you had some jellyfish genes and some pig embryos lying around, wouldn't it be a waste not to put them together?"

"Right, they just had them there, doing nothing, and they thought 'Hey, wonder if we can make pigs glow in the dark?' It doesn't make any sense."

"They don't glow all over, Sebastian. That would look silly. Just their snouts and feet."

"Right! I'm such an idiot! Thank you for showing me the light – well, the luminous pig-" Ned shoved him, almost spilling coffee all over his desk.

"Well if I'm so stupid, why did you come here _begging_ for my help?" Sebastian didn't have an answer. He looked at Ned, his eyes drifting down to his lips for a millisecond, before looking at his laptop again.

"Come on, you, uh, you still haven't answered my question. Why would they make pigs glow? And not just _because they can_, I mean, what do the pigs get out of it?"

"I don't know. I guess it's disarming for predators and stuff. I mean, imagine you were a fox and you were trying to hunt it. You're totally ready for a regular, delicious pig that you can catch in a heartbeat, and then it turns around and BAM! Its snout's glowing. And its trotters. Wouldn't that freak you out? The fox would be all 'No way, I can't handle this freaky glow-pig, it's too special and perfect and awesome, I can't possibly eat it now!', and it would just want to hang out with the pig and snuggle with it all day." Sebastian burst out laughing.

"You'd make a terrible fox."

"But I'd be a great glow-pig. Admit it. If you were a fox, you'd just want to cuddle me until my shiny nose popped off." Sebastian kept laughing and rolled his eyes until they landed back on Ned.

"Sure. I bet you'd be an irresistible little pig." He shook his head, somewhat unconvincingly, and looked around to avoid Ned's gaze. "I-I like your room. It's weird seeing all the family pictures everywhere. You must miss them."

"Yeah. I mean, I kind of like being here at weekends. You know, because it's quieter. They just can't afford to keep shipping me back and forth. It's too far. But I get tonnes of work done without anyone distracting me." Sebastian managed to sneak in a look at him while he was staring at the photos. He was smiling, as always, but he looked sad. He _did_ want to snuggle him. As a friend. "What about you? How come you're here? Are your parents far away too?"

"Not exactly. An hour, maybe? They just... They don't really have time for me. It's easier if I just stay here. It was the same in Paris. That's why I'm so much better at French than you: I got a lot of practice when I was there. They pretty much let me do my own thing. It was cool."

"I'd hate that. I mean, weekends here are OK, but in a different country? Never seeing my family? That would suck. I thought my birthday was bad enough, but they still sent gifts and a card, and everyone took turns calling me. Even my niece, and she only knows three words. At least one of them is Ned." Sebastian's head fell.

"Sounds like you guys are really close." Ned realised how much it hurt him to talk about his parents.

"Oh, well, you know. I didn't mean to – I'm sorry-" He tried to put a hand on Sebastian's back, but he shook him off. He started to collect his books together.

"It's fine. Don't worry about it."

"No, Sebastian, wait-"

"You're right. It does suck. You know what? I actually think I've got this. I'm gonna go finish it in my room."

"You don't have to-"

"I want to. I want to go. I-I might see you tomorrow. I just wanna go. Bye."

Ned sat helpless at the desk as Seb rushed out. He thought about going after him, but he didn't want to make things worse. He'd call him later, or go and see him. Right now, he needed space.


	8. Chapter 8

Ned knocked at the door gingerly. No response. He tried again, harder.

"What?" That wasn't the voice he gotten used to. It was rough and angry.

"Sebastian?" He heard a groan of exasperation.

"Jesus, Ned, leave me alone."

"No. I don't think you want me to. You know I won't go, so you might as well unlock the door."

"Fuck off."

"Nope. Let me in."

"Oh, God..." Ned heard the click of the lock and carefully pushed the door open, just to see Sebastian slump back into his chair, his phone in his hand, a half-empty bottle of vodka on the desk.

"Woah, did you drink all of that? What happened?" He leaned back in the chair, almost falling off, to glare at Ned as he ran to catch him.

"Yep. I drank it all by myself, and I have you to thank."

"What? I made you do this?"

"You made me call them! You shoved your perfect fucking family down my throat, so I called _mine_."

"And?" Ned asked warily, keeping a hand on the back of the chair. Sebastian answered slowly, slurring his speech, but Ned could still understand him.

"And, they were _charming_ as usual. I'm still an embarrassment, I'm still a waste of space, waste of money, waste of time... I'm surprised they aren't mad at me for using up valuable Smythe sperm. I was in a uterus I didn't deserve. Some other, better kid could have that slot, and I wrecked it, because I'm a _fucking_ asshole. It was like every other conversation with them." He spun around and poked Ned in the chest. "You know how yours took turns to wish you happy birthday? Mom and Dad passed the phone to each other to tell me what a failure I am, because they know how to _share_. Isn't that _inspiring_?" He reached for the bottle, but Ned pushed it away.

"Seb, I'm sorry-"

"Yeah, well, you should be! I'd stopped caring, I'd forgotten, and then you had to go and be all _cute_, talking about your niece, and, and..." He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees as his voice caught in his throat. "Oh, Ned, why couldn't I have been a pig?" Ned smiled sadly, just the way he had when he was looking at the pictures of his family before. If anyone else had said that, he would've laughed at them, but not Sebastian.

"What do you mean?"

"I wish I could've been a pig, then some nice scientist could give me cool radioactive feet and a glowy nose, and then the foxes couldn't hurt me." He took a deep breath in, sniffling. "They'd be ready to pounce, but instead, they'd just hug me and make everything OK." He looked up at Ned, his eyes shining. "Oh, Ned. Neddy. Is it so much to ask for my nose to glow like yours?" Ned leaned in and hugged him, and tried not to laugh as he felt his hair rubbing against his neck.

"Hey, it's OK. Don't be so hard on yourself." He rubbed his back to calm him down. "The foxes can't attack you here. Anyway," he pulled away to look at him, placing a hand on his cheek and wiping a tear away with his thumb, "with all this crying, your nose is pretty shiny." Sebastian laughed, letting his head fall against Ned's shoulder again. Ned just held it there, stroking his hair, whispering that it would be OK. "I know. I've got you now. You're safe."

"I don't want the foxes to eat me, Neddy."

"I don't want them to eat you either."

"You won't let them, will you?"

"Nope. I'll protect you." He kissed Sebastian's temple gently. He looked up. They both leaned in ever so slowly, their eyes locked, until their lips met. It wasn't tense like before. Ned's hand was still on the back of Sebastian's head and the other was on his knee. Seb held it there. They both relaxed completely, Ned ignoring the taste of alcohol and savouring the closeness, their tongues slowly pushing against each other. Between his inexperience and Seb's drunkenness, it was a mess, but it still felt good. Amazing. But he stopped himself. It couldn't happen like this, as much as he wanted it. "Sebastian-" he tried to pull away but was sucked back in as Seb pulled his face closer. His hand started to trail down Ned's shirt, blindly pulling at it. "No, Sebastian, stop. You need to go to bed."

"I'm not going alone-" He raised his eyebrows in surprise, but stayed firm. He pulled his head out of his grasp and took hold of his hands.

"Look at me."

"I've been looking at you for a month, I can't believe this-" He started kissing Ned's cheek and moved down to his jaw, and even though it left him breathless, Ned pushed him off again.

"Sebastian. Wait. Let's just get you into bed, then we can talk about that tomorrow. Deal?" He made a whimpering noise as if he been denied ice-cream. "I know, it's hard-" Sebastian giggled.

"You bet it is-"

"Hey, that's not what I meant. Bed. Now." He heaved him out of his chair, and he immediately flopped onto the bed. He reached out for Ned, who took his arm and used it to pull him up until his head reached the pillow. He stretched out on the bed, yawning.

"Ned, stay with me." Ned narrowed his eyes at him.

"No funny business?" He nodded, his eyes closed.

"I promise. Please. Just for a minute." Ned climbed onto the bed beside him, wrapping his arms around him to reach his hands. He kissed along his shoulder, holding him as close as he could. If his family wouldn't do it, he'd have to make up for it. He was asleep within a minute, but Ned stayed for an hour. It just felt wrong leaving him like that. He was still for a long time, then he let his hand explore Sebastian's torso, tracing the lines of his stomach, running up and down his arm, but mostly he just lay there, smelling his hair, feeling the warmth of his back against him. Eventually he stood up, making sure Sebastian was lying on his side and putting the bin next to bed in case he was sick. He took the rest of the vodka away. He knelt next to the bed, taking in every bit of the sleeping face in front of him. He pressed a soft, lingering kiss to Sebastian's cheek, and he instinctively smiled and leaned up into it. Ned shushed him and stroked his hair, and walked around the bed and out of the door. He made sure the door didn't slam behind him and held his palm flat against it, whispering 'goodnight', before padding down the corridor and back to his room. He hid the bottle under his desk, changed, brushed his teeth and lay on his back for half an hour before he could fall asleep. He stared at the ceiling, breathing deeply.

"Guess I'm gay, then. Hmm."


	9. Chapter 9

Sebastian woke up coughing. His mouth was bone dry and his head was pounding. He lifted himself up to look at his desk and saw the bottle was gone. Did he finish it? No. That would leave an empty bottle. Unless he put it in the- he spotted the bin by his bed. What? He tried to sit up but realised straight away it was a bad idea. His stomach churned and his eyes were burning in their sockets. He threw up in the bin, grateful that it was there, and laid back down. He wasn't ready to be vertical yet. The second his head hit the pillow, he remembered. He remembered Ned lying behind him, he remembered his nose against the back of his head, buried in his hair, he could still feel him kissing his shoulder, but when he turned his head, the bed was empty. His back felt cold. Fuck. He'd said something about pigs. That was definitely not supposed to happen. And now he was alone, all because he'd lost control. He reached for his phone, keeping his head on the pillow. Just looking at it brought memories of yesterday's phone call flooding back. Obviously, there was nothing from his parents now. Just three missed calls and a text from Ned.

_Don't feel bad about last night. It's fine. You know where I am if you need any more help with your report :) x_

Even in his texts, the kid kept smiling. He could see his face now, smiling away. Then not smiling. Then really close, then not at all, then he could just feel him and taste him and smell him and _OH GOD I KISSED HIM_.

He hadn't planned to kiss him. He'd forgotten about the very idea of kissing him. He was just supposed to get help with his Biology homework. He was supposed to be an asshole. He put his hand against his cheek, and it felt familiar, like something else had pressed against it, and as the whole evening whirred in his mind he buried his face in bedding, muffling his groan of annoyance. This was all wrong. Stop it, Seb. Think about something else. Think about school. School. Homework. Pigs. Ned. Think about choir. Ned. Think about sex... No. Definitely don't think about that. He pushed his head further into the pillow, hoping he could push the feathers into his brain until they forced Ned out. He just started to descend into blackness again when there was a gentle knock at the door. He knew who it was. He took a deep breath and sat up, even though it made him feel sick again. But that might have been Ned too.

"Yeah?" He came in with two big cups of coffee.

"Hey. Though you could do with this." Sebastian was pathetically grateful.

"Ugh, you're a saint. You didn't have to, especially after-"

"Seb-"

"I'm really sorry, Ned. It was just my parents, and the vodka-"

"Sebastian-"

"No, Ned. I was out of line kissing you. I'm sorry, you were just being so nice, and saying stuff I needed to hear, and God, I was so drunk-" Ned put the drinks on the bedside table and sat on the bed. He put a wary hand on his leg.

"Sebastian, you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't, I mean, it wasn't just you, OK? We kissed each other. It was... Good." He smiled sheepishly. Sebastian put his hand over the one on his knee.

"Really? You mean you-" Ned grinned even more and nodded. He noticed the bin.

"I thought that might come in useful." He leaned forward.

"Oh, God, you don't want to- I was just-"

"I don't care." He kissed him, so softly he could barely feel it, but just knowing he was there, knowing he hadn't screwed it up, knowing Ned liked him, it made his eyes stop hurting. He still felt sick, but it wasn't the hangover any more. He didn't even feel an urge to push it further. He was happy like this, a hand in his hair and one snaking up from his leg to his waist. Ned slowly pulled his mouth away, leaving their foreheads touching. "So... I just wanted you to know. It's fine." Sebastian nodded, lost for words. "Better than fine." He nodded again. "I think you need to go back to sleep." He didn't nod this time.

"No, but-"

"But nothing. I'll still be here later. Well, I'll be in my room, but I promise I won't go any further than that. Drink your coffee. Then drink some water. Come and find me later." He kissed him again, then took his coffee and left, smiling back at him as he closed the door. Sebastian jumped out of bed and brushed his teeth before climbing back under the covers. He didn't want to get caught off guard like that again.


	10. Chapter 10

"Ned?"

Ned smiled to himself excitedly, realising he'd been staring blankly at his computer screen. He hadn't typed a word in over an hour. The only things he could think about were Sebastian and the fluttering in his stomach. His hands were shaking. Just the fact that he said his name instead of knocking made him want to giggle, but he restrained himself.

"Come in!" _Calm down, Ned. It's fine. He likes you, and you like him, it's no big deal. You've hung out with him before. This won't be any different. Except he'll probably kiss you. And his hands will probably- OK, be nervous. You don't have a say in the matter_. The voice in his mind shut up when a head appeared through his doorway. It was always nice seeing him in normal clothes. The blazer made him look hard and cold, but now he was in a t-shirt and jeans. He was smiling shyly. They both let out a nervous laugh.

"It's gotten weird, hasn't it?"

"No... No... Well, yeah. I mean, it's bound to feel different. How's the head?" Sebastian reached up to run a hand through his hair. Ned wondered how he hadn't noticed his arms before.

"Better, thanks. The coffee helped. I owe you one." Ned laughed.

"You owe me a million. Last night I stopped you from choking on your own vomit. I could have very well saved your life." He stood up and walked towards Sebastian.

"Good point. But as you brought that up, I'm reducing my debt by, like, five." Ned smiled up at him and kept getting closer until they were an inch apart.

"That- that sounds fair-" It wasn't weird now. The forgot about any awkwardness the second they started kissing. At first it was gentle, like it had been earlier, but another look in Ned's eyes and Sebastian was overcome. He let himself lose control again, because last time he did that it had ended pretty well, and pulled Ned by the hips until their bodies were pressed tightly against each other. Ned's palms were against his chest, his fingers pulling at his thin, grey t-shirt and fighting their way up to his face and into his hair. Every time he worried he was doing something wrong, he felt those warm hands on the small of his back, holding him close, and he stopped caring and melted into it. Sebastian pushed into him, still holding his back, lowering him onto the bed. He moved his mouth down towards Ned's neck, pushing him further up and settling between his legs as he raised a knee to make room for him, kissing him until they were both out of breath before craning his neck to whisper in his ear.

"If you ever want to stop-"

Ned pulled Sebastian's face up so that their noses were touching. He kissed him slowly and deeply. It took them a while to separate, but when they did, he looked into his eyes and shook his head.

Sebastian couldn't sleep. He glanced down at the head resting on his collarbone, delicately stroked Ned's arm with his knuckles and used his other hand to play with his hair, teasing it between his fingertips. He breathed in slowly, smelling him, and stared at the lines of light on the walls as the sun filtered in through the blinds. This was all wrong... He'd never... He'd always thought... _Sebastian Smythe, did you just let a virgin... __**Top**__?_

In relationships – well, in bed, he'd _always_ been dominant. It wasn't just with sex; with everything, he'd always been in control. He decided who he slept with. He decided which of the Warblers he would deign to talk to. He decided which classes he would attend and which ones he'd fail. Whenever he was with Ned, he felt that control slipping away. He used to do everything deliberately: his movements, his expressions, everything he said or did, it was all planned to the last detail. Now he just kept getting distracted. One smile and he was a puddle on the floor. He went to every lesson because Ned would be there, and if he failed anything, Ned would know he'd done it on purpose. He'd give him that look that said 'You're better than this'. He didn't want to be better. He was perfectly fine just being his normal, crappy self because that made it easier when stuff went wrong. Now what? What if _this _went wrong? He'd never had anything to lose before, and now there were his good grades, there were the Warblers, there was his... His Ned.

His breathing sped up slightly as he realised just how much of an effect this kid was having on him. Ned nuzzled into his chest, sensing the tension even though he was asleep. How could he do that? How could some boy change him so much? He had to get some kind of control back before Ned made him care again. Look what happened when he let himself care about his parents – he'd almost drunk himself into a coma and he'd actually shown emotion to someone he was supposed to be manipulating. He'd wished he was a pig.

He was meant to be taking stuff he couldn't have, manipulating somebody, but Ned _wanted_ to kiss him. He didn't have to trick him or anything. That idiot's theory was true. He was nice to someone, and they liked him for it. And because Ned liked him, everyone did. Wasn't that the plan? Turn the straight kid? Manipulate the Warblers in his favour? He had everything he wanted, but it wasn't the same. He didn't feel like he'd done anything wrong. He hadn't lied to anyone or pretended to be someone else. He just felt relaxed and safe and happy, and like he wasn't playing a game any more. Fuck. He looked at his watch. It was almost four. He had to get out of here before anyone else woke up, before he started feeling any more comfortable. He just had to leave before Ned saw his snout glowing and tried to snuggle him.

He shifted away from Ned, keeping one hand on the back his head before gently laying it down. He couldn't wake him. He couldn't talk to him, and see how blue his eyes were and how big his dopey smile would be. That would stop him going. It might stop either of them ever leaving the room again. He pulled his clothes back on in silence, making sure his eyes stayed away from the boy on the bed, before sloping out of the room. When he got outside, he paused. His hand was against the door so it wouldn't make a sound as it closed. He leaned his head next to it and closed his eyes, taking long, slow breaths. Controlled breathing. That was a start.


	11. Chapter 11

Nick was the first one to notice how quiet Ned was. Everyone was jumping and shoving each other as usual, and he normally didn't join in with that anyway, but he wasn't even paying attention to it this morning. He was sitting with a book but he wasn't looking anywhere near the pages. He didn't look sad exactly, just a little lost. Nick left the others to it for a minute and took a seat next to him. When Ned didn't even notice him, he cleared his throat, and when that didn't work either he nudged him.

"Hmm? Oh, hi! Did you have a good weekend?" Nick smiled at him. Even though he obviously had something on his mind, it was still more important to ask after someone else.

"Not bad, thanks. Thad came over, hit on my mom, nothing unusual. Where did I just pull you back down from?"

"What?"

"You looked like you were on another planet. Did I miss something?" Ned blushed.

"Oh, I don't know, not really. I just kind of, hung out with Seb all weekend."

"Ah."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, it's just that you seem to hang out with him a lot." Ned looked panic-stricken. "Hey, don't worry, if you say nothing's happening, I'll believe you. It's just that we've all seen the way he looks at you." The panic was replaced by sheer delight and a lot more blushing.

"Really? When?"

"Um, only _always_! Ned, I don't want to pry, but, um, you've gone kind of pink. _Did_ something happen between you two?" He went even pinker and looked at his hands, a smile creeping onto his face. "No way!" Nick at least had the good sense to whisper.

"Maybe-" Nick gasped excitedly, "-but I don't know if I should really be talking about it. I mean, I haven't really spoken to him since last night-"

"What happened last night? Did he try something?" Ned wasn't surprised that was his first guess. He would've guessed the same thing.

"He didn't really have to." Nick's jaw hit the floor. "Listen, I can't really tell you everything now. Not here, not until I've spoken to him, you know?"

"No, no, sure. But. Wow. I mean – wow. Hey, we should get to class. Where is he, anyway?" Ned's face fell for a second.

"I don't know. When I- like I said, I haven't seen him."

When they arrived at their Math class, Sebastian was already there. He wasn't in his usual seat, next to Ned's. He was in the corner, his nose stuck in his book, even though he couldn't focus on a word any more than Ned could. Ned went to his own desk, trying and failing to catch his eye. He glared into the lines of text as they all blurred into a grey mass. _Don't look at him. You can't care if you don't look at him._

Ned took his normal place near the front, looking at Sebastian over his shoulder. He refused to look up. Ned didn't understand. Did he do something wrong? Should he have… Should it have been the other way around? The silent treatment was awful, especially after last night, when everything felt so easy and happy and comfortable. He felt sick. Had he got it all mixed up? Sebastian had tried boasting to him before about one night stands with random guys from Scandals; maybe he was just another one. His head started spinning. He nodded and tried to smile when the others asked if he was OK, but it didn't fool them. They knew something was wrong, so they tried to help him focus on the lesson. They could help him keep it together until after class.

They got through it, and when the bell rang Ned looked up at Sebastian hopefully, thinking '_maybe he was just feeling vulnerable, maybe he was worried the others would know, maybe he wanted to keep it private'_, only for him to grab his things and stare straight at the door as he all but ran for it. Everyone noticed Ned's face fall. They looked at each other, worried, but Nick stood up and shook his head at them, nodding at the door. They left them to it. They were all relieved, as they had no idea what to say. Neither did Nick, but he had to try.

"Hey, Ned? Um, are you... OK?" Terrible. Awful start. He tried again. By the looks of it, Ned hadn't heard him anyway; he was staring straight ahead, mouth slightly open in confusion.

"I don't… What did I do?"

"Ned, I-"

"He looked scared. He couldn't get out fast enough; you'd think I was a shark or something. I'm not a shark, I'm a p- never mind. I- I have to go." He stood up, almost tripping, and tried to shove his books into his bag. He dropped them, and Nick picked them up for him.

"Here. Ned, slow down. What happened?"

"I can't- I just need to go. Can you tell Mr Harris-"

"Sure, I'll tell him you're sick. You look pretty pale anyway."

"Thanks. I'll still come to Warbler practise."

"You don't have to-"

"Yes I do. I want to. We don't have time for me to miss rehearsal." Nick nodded helplessly. He was worried, but if Ned thought he could handle it… They couldn't do Electric Feel, though. They'd have to figure out something else so Ned wouldn't have to sing lead. He didn't really know how to help, but he could at least take some of the pressure off.

"Sure. Fine. Maybe you should just go back to bed or something. I'm sure after a few hours' sleep it won't seem so bad." Ned looked up at him, his eyes watering, knowing he was clutching at straws, but grateful for it anyway. He nodded. The least he could do was go along with it.

When Ned arrived at rehearsal, Nick made sure he was the first to speak to him. He needed to smooth things over. Everyone knew Sebastian was crazy about Ned; they'd all seen it, and the way he'd blushed that morning, the helplessness in his eyes when Seb ran out, made it clear that he liked him back. Maybe if he could fix things between them, make Sebastian stop being so cold, get him to open his eyes for a second, they could be happy together just like… But it wasn't always that easy. And even for Kurt and Blaine it had been difficult. But the most important thing right now was to help Ned survive an hour of practise.

"Hey, I wanted to try a different song today. We don't want to be, you know, over-rehearsed with the other one. We've got to keep it fresh; it'll keep us on our toes. You've been working so hard lately; you deserve a break for a while. You can just hang out at the back for this one." It sounded like he wanted to shut him up and get him out of the way, but Ned understood that he was trying to help and smiled.

"Thanks. It sounds great. What's the number?"

"You know Uptown Girl by Billy Joel? It's my favourite song, and I've been trying to get the others on board for months," he nudged him and grinned, "and as it's my idea maybe I can finally get the solo!" Ned gave him a weak laugh; he couldn't let his efforts go unrecognised.

"Cool. I guess you'll have to stop depending on my flawless vocals for _once_." Nick kept smiling.

This song was much easier than the other one. They'd heard other choirs do it, and they improvised most of harmonies. Sebastian was cockier than he had been for weeks, stepping in perfect time, singing loudly and occasionally glancing back at Ned with raw contempt. Ned knew he was doing it on purpose, trying to make him feel awful, trying to hurt him, and he hated himself because it was working. Every time he saw that glint in his eye that said '_I won, I got you, and we both know this is killing you_', Ned's eyes started stinging again. Nick had to work hard not to hit Sebastian, knowing Ned would want as few people to know as possible. He smiled extra widely and sang extra loudly just so all eyes would be on him instead of the boy in the back.

Only Ned and Sebastian noticed at first. Everyone else was too busy singing and showing off as A figure appeared in the doorway, dressed in grey, with dark hair slicked back, soft brown eyes and a nostalgic smile. Ned knew who it was. It was the boy he'd wanted to be friends with, the boy he'd kind of wanted to be. And now Sebastian was giving him that look. He saw him glance back first to make sure Ned could see as he stared Blaine up and down, landing on his face with a smirk. It felt like it was weeks ago, like the weekend never happened, like he was the pompous bastard he used to be and this was his new mission. Like Ned was old news. His voice stopped working, but everyone else was loud enough to cover it up. They all spotted Blaine and had to try hard to contain their excitement, pulling him in to join them, and Ned was transported back, not just to the previous month, but to last year when he was just some kid nobody noticed. He could barely move his feet and as they rushed into the hall, he just stood there, alone. He heard them singing and saw them dance past the doorway with a teacher. They were all messing around, pretending to flirt with her, but Sebastian, gay-bar-frequenting, sophomore-seducing Sebastian Smythe, was looking at her like he wanted to ravish her right there in front of everyone - especially in front of Ned. He looked over her shoulder, straight into Ned's eyes and raised his eyebrows for a second as if he was challenging him to something, something he definitely couldn't do because he was too busy trying not to cry.

Nick realised what Sebastian was doing and looked back at Ned. He was crumbling. As everyone starting trotting back inside, Ned darted out through the side door. Nick desperately wanted to run after him, knowing how alone he'd be feeling, but knew he had to wait until later. He couldn't let everyone know something was wrong, even though he knew they'd all want to beat the shit out of Sebastian and squeeze Ned until he was gasping for air. He needed to get him alone, and that would have to wait.

What Nick didn't realise was that Ned hadn't gone. He was watching as they all laughed and joked together and Blaine invited them to his show and talked to Sebastian and they were a team, they were friends, and he was on the outside again. Except this time was worse, because this time he'd actually tried to change things. He'd thrown himself into it and given it absolutely everything. Obviously, it wasn't just the Warblers. He'd given into Sebastian entirely and fallen for the whole thing. He believed everything, including Seb, had changed, but it was just like it used to be.

He wiped his nose on his sleeve so nobody would hear him sniffing as he stared at Sebastian, wondering how he could look at Blaine like that, talk to him in that voice, after last night. The others dispersed, Nick dashing off in the direction of Ned's room, but Ned stayed still, watching as Sebastian shook Blaine's hand before slinging his own into his pockets. He couldn't hear what they were saying; he just saw the determination in Seb's eyes, as if he had a job to do, one he'd done a million times before. They wandered off together, and Ned slunk back to his room, eyes downcast, hands shaking and twitching at the hem of his blazer. He hadn't felt this terrified since his audition. Was this really happening? Had he just given himself to someone, a _boy_, so completely overnight just to have it all thrown back in his face?

He tried to remember the night before, feeling so safe up close to Sebastian, their breathing synchronized, tongue and teeth grazing against his neck, that intense look in his eyes, the way they'd laid awake in silence for hours afterwards, just feeling each other, Seb's hand tracing over his skin so lightly it made him quiver, but it made it worse. How could anyone fake all that? What kind of unfeeling monster had he… It couldn't all have been a lie. He hoped it hadn't, but then why was he so set on hurting him like this now? His mind was rushing and he was barely looking where he was going, and he crashed into Nick.

"Ned! Where have you been? I was looking for you-"

"It doesn't matter. I just- I want to be on my own."

"Tough. Let's go."

"Listen, Ned," Nick said, making sure the door was closed, "I don't want to interfere-"

"I slept with him."

"What? I mean, um… What?"

"Oh, God, I'm such an idiot. I _believed_ him, I thought he'd gotten nicer – I thought he liked me. I feel so," his voice cracked, "so stupid. One minute we were talking about Biology and pigs, and then we kissed, and he was drunk, but then the next day we, we…" He struggled to catch his breath and Nick eased him onto the bed. It only made it harder for him to concentrate, because that was where it happened. That was where he'd been pinned underneath Sebastian with hot breath against his skin and it was where he'd woken up, alone. "He told me. He _told_ me about how many guys he'd lied to just to get them into bed and now I'm just another one of them, and I didn't even, I mean I'd never liked a _guy_ like that before, and I just hopped into bed with him. What's wrong with me?"

"Ned, nothing's wrong with you-"

"Then why wouldn't he talk to me? Did you see the way he was looking at me? I can't believe I trusted him…"

"Ned, it's _good_ that you trust him. You trust everyone. It's what we like about you. It's brave. You're one of the bravest kids I know."

"But that's all I am. Just a kid. God, he must have been laughing at me this whole time."

"Ned, nobody's laughing at you. I know he wasn't pretending. No one can fake the way he looked at you. Even if he could, why would he do it when you couldn't even see him? Why would he smile like that every time you sing and lose concentration when he sees you? He's an asshole, and I don't know why he's doing this, but you're _not_ an idiot."

"Yes I am. I tried so hard to get in, and I wanted so badly for everyone to like me, and he can just stroll in being a douche and everyone falls for it and I fall for it, and then I run away while he sings with everyone, and he's tricked all of you as well. He used me for that too. I made sure everyone could see us getting along so he wouldn't feel like an outsider, and now he's pushed me out instead." Ned kept pushing the words out even though he could still hardly breathe, and Nick sat with him, rubbing his back. What else do you in that situation? Ned leaned into him, screwing his eyes up so he could block everything out, but it just squeezed a tear through his eyelids. "Sorry," he said when he noticed the damp spots on Nick's trousers, and Nick wrapped an arm round him.

"It's fine. I promise. You know, we like you more than him. I mean, we always have. You knew that, right? And the fact that you took a chance on him, well… It just makes you even cooler. He's a jackass for messing with you, but we're on your side, OK?"

Ned tried to respond, but he just cried harder. It was weird going from cold to hot, horrible to sweet, and his throat was too sore and tight from crying to say anything. Nick understood, and held him tighter. They'd both run out of words. He just had to try and absorb a little bit of the pain.


	12. Chapter 12

Okay, really sorry about the mix up; my chapters are all over the place, but this should be new. I'm really bad at using this site. Sorry.

* * *

"Are you kidding me?"

"Jeff-"

"That is so unfair."

"I've been with Katie since April and nothing; you're friends with him for a month and you get laid? Man, girls are exhausting."

Ned stayed quiet. Nick had persuaded him to let him tell Jeff, just to get him on the right side. They knew after an hour everyone would know that Sebastian was being an ass, and they'd all back Ned 100%. They also knew that as stupidly as Jeff acted sometimes, he could be discreet. If Ned didn't want them to know details, they wouldn't.

"Jeff, can you take this seriously?"

"I am! I take my sexual frustration very seriously! Wait, you know I don't mind, right? Like, I'm not judging you or anything like that. I don't think I could say no to Sebastian. Even if he's a douche" Ned laughed and looked at the floor.

"Douche levels have yet to be determined. Obviously they seem high right now, but…"

"He was good, huh? I mean, I feel like I should be asking you for tips. What was it like?" Ned blushed and chewed on his lip.

"That doesn't matter, Jeff. He could be the best lay in all of Ohio and it doesn't mean he gets to cast Ned aside. It's not a very Warbler thing to do. We'll figure out a way of fixing him later, but we need everyone on Team Ned by English. Clear?" Jeff saluted him. He was grinning, but they all knew he meant it.

"Crystal." He looked at his watch. "Oh, crap! English is in fifteen minutes! I better go, but I'll see you guys in class." He smiled warmly at Ned and put a hand on his shoulder. "We've got your back, OK? Always."

He ran down the corridor, catching Thad and Trent by the arms and whispering to them. He wouldn't even need fifteen minutes.

"So, _Measure for Measure_. Who do you hate the most?" Ned laughed as he and Nick started making their way to the classroom.

Sebastian was discussing the play with a couple of boys, but he suddenly got much louder when he saw Ned walk in.

"You should have seen his face. It was like I was playing with one of his toys or eating his fucking birthday cake. He actually jumped in front of him to keep me away, like I was some kind of shark. I hope he doesn't think that's going to stop me…" The guys next to him looked confused and disgusted. It was weird enough that he'd changed the subject completely, but if he was talking about Kurt and Blaine, he was making a mistake. He'd have the whole Academy to answer to if he tried to break them up. They laughed awkwardly, inching away to get back to their books as the teacher walked in.

"Sorry I'm late everyone, but if you would all take your seats - I know you're all _dying_ to make up for the time we've lost." The words fell from his lips easily, as if he'd said them a hundred times before, which he probably had. Ned looked at Sebastian as he sat down, but he refused to look back at him. He wasn't even hurt by what Sebastian had just been saying. He just sounded like a jackass. "So, the play… I trust you've all read it?" Professor Harris sighed with exasperation when he saw the room of vacant faces. "Well, as you're so smart you don't even need to read it, you'll know _all_ about Angelo and Isabella?" Silence again. Most of them _had_ read it, but they all had more important things to worry about today. "Greene?" Ned swallowed.

"Sir?"

"What did you make of Isabella?"

"A big Isabella sandwich…" The teacher rolled his eyes at Jeff, and David threw a pen at him.

"Mr Greene?" Ned could feel Sebastian staring at him, making him squirm, and studying a play about sex and corruption wasn't helping. He didn't see how measuring came into it. As far as he could tell, it was just about sex, death and lying. "Did you feel any sympathy towards Isabella?"

"I don't know. I mean, she has to fight for something she doesn't believe in, but she's doing it for her bro-"

"No." Everyone turned to look at Sebastian, who was leaning back in his seat, legs crossed, hands in pockets.

"Mr Smythe, would you care to elaborate? 'No' doesn't exactly qualify as an answer in my class."

"Sure. Isabella doesn't fool me. I know what she is."

"And what is that?"

"She's just like anyone else. At least Angelo doesn't B.S. everyone. We all know he's a douchebag. Isabella's great at acting the nun - she can wear the costume and everybody plays along and believes she's _innocent_ and _pure_, but Angelo clicks his fingers and she can't get out of her habit fast enough."

"I think you're over-simplifying things, Sebastian-"

"No I'm not." He remained defiant. He made eye contact with Ned for the first time since Sunday, and kept it despite how much it hurt. He could see him breaking, see his eyes watering, but he couldn't stop now. _This is what you're good at. This is what you do_. "Everyone might think she's an angel, even _she_ does, but the truth is," he slowed down for emphasis, "she's a _dirty_ l_ittle_s_lut_."

"Mr Smythe-"

"I'm sorry, was I not clear? She's a whore. If you don't understand, why don't you ask Ned? He knows _exactly_ what I'm talking about. Isn't that right, Neddy?" Ned's mouth fell open. He fought for breath, feeling eyes on him as his face reddened. He hid it well, but Sebastian's stomach clenched as a tear fell down Ned's cheek, off his chin and splashed onto his book. He stood up, shaking his head, still staring, unblinking, at him, his breath coming in short gasps, and turned and ran out of the classroom.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Before Sebastian knew what was happening, Nick had jumped out of his seat, pulled him up by his lapels and slammed him against the wall. "Why are you being such an asshole? He_ likes_ you, for fuck's sake! That's the only thing he's done wrong!" Sebastian clenched his jaw, breathing slowly through his nose. _Stay in control_.

"Nicholas! Sit down!"

"No! _He_ can sit down. _He_ can do what the fuck he likes, apparently. But _I'm_ going after Ned. He should know somebody still gives a crap about him." He released Sebastian and ran out, shouting to Ned. Jeff raised his hand, looking pensive.

"Yes, Walker?"

"Sir, I have _no_ idea what this play is about."

"Well, it would seem you're not the only one-" Jeff looked at Sebastian, who was still in shock, smoothing his lapels and starting to move away from the wall.

"But I know Angelo's a cunt."

"JEFF!" Jeff tilted his head and looked back at the teacher.

"Oh, no. Cunt's a pretty bad word, and now I've gone and said it – twice - in class. That's bad, right?"

"Yes. I think you need to see the principal."

"Do you think he'll call my parents?" Professor Harris frowned, confused as to what the hell was going on. His lessons were rarely this animated.

"I don't know, Walker, why don't you ask him?"

"I was just wondering how much trouble I'm in. I mean, it couldn't get much worse, wouldn't you say?"

"Sounds about right."

"Thought so. Cool." He took a deep breath. "I better take off, then." He stood, swung his bag over his shoulder, walked to Sebastian's desk where he was just sitting back down, put a hand on his shoulder so they were making eye contact and punched him square in the mouth. He toppled out of his seat onto the floor, and for a second everyone froze. They stared at the boy on the ground. Then they started clapping. It wasn't raucous; nobody was whooping or whistling, just applauding respectfully as Jeff stood up for someone they all considered a friend. He straightened his tie and turned back to the dumbstruck man at the head of the class. "Sorry about that. Don't worry, I'll call Dad myself, save you the money. Not your fault." He nodded to his classmates, appreciating their support, and strode out of the room with his head held high while Sebastian scrambled back up, nursing his jaw and his ego. _This is good_, he thought, _you're undoing everything you've messed up. It'll be easier when they hate you. Then you can leave and you won't care. Thank fuck._


	13. Chapter 13

Sebastian fidgeted in his seat on the end of the row. Nobody else was talking to him. He glared at the stage, determined to stick it out. He hadn't just sat through this whole show just to get pushed out by a bunch of preppy schoolboys. Every time something made him laugh, the cut on his lip split open again, reminding him of that catastrophic class. Jeff hadn't laid another finger on him, and everyone was being silently polite. They smiled at him, they didn't shove into him in corridors; they didn't even give him dirty looks when he wasn't looking. Even if there was no way of getting caught, they were better than that, but he knew that if he put one foot out of line, he'd be screwed. He'd been walking on eggshells all week. He tried to figure out what was happening in the play, but he had to blink hard to clear his vision. Thank God the whole thing was nearly over. Blaine had been stretchered offstage and he was just visible at the side. Even from his seat in the audience, Sebastian could see him tearing up watching that tiny loud brunette slowly get up and wander off, leaving an empty stage. The house lights came up, and the crowd went crazy.

Sebastian saw the way everyone on stage grinned at each other. Their knuckles were turning white as they gripped onto each other's hands, relishing the applause and bowing. They did the customary gesture towards the wheelchair kid and the band, and the curtain came down.

Blaine watched quietly, smiling as he saw Rachel keep her composure until she was hidden behind the curtain, when she jumped on Kurt, her squeals drowned out by the applause. Kurt's eyes shut tightly as he lifted her up, and Blaine was terrified that he'd still be angry with him. He gave a little sigh as he saw him smiling and jumping with her, wrinkling his costume. He snuck out to the side of the stage. As he looked into the audience he saw the Warblers. He was glad he'd invited them; any excuse to see them again. Most of them. Of course Sebastian had come. Blaine had hoped against hope that he wouldn't, but he was so concerned about being polite that he hadn't said anything. He'd always found it hard to say no. The way his parents brought him up… He hated a lot of it, but the manners were hard to get rid of.

He could tell from the way Kurt and Rachel were babbling at Santana, congratulating her while she rolled her eyes but still smiled and blushed, that he had time. He made eye contact with Sebastian, which wasn't hard as he was staring right at him, and nodded at the door. He smirked and jumped out of his seat, snaking through the audience and dashing for the exit. Blaine rolled his eyes. It wasn't like he would roll his eyes at Kurt, in a 'Oh, you don't fool me, I know you love the Muppets really' kind of way. It was just a 'Could you try and put your boner away for five minutes'. He made his way towards the exit, making sure Kurt didn't notice. He didn't want to freak him out.

It was freezing outside. Seb was standing there, hands in his pockets, pretending he wasn't cold despite his teeth chattering. Blaine folded his arms and hunched his shoulders to keep warm.

"So. I noticed you struggling to keep your eyes off me," it was so easy to slip into asshole mode; it was so comfortable, so familiar, and it almost pushed the other stuff out of his mind and that uncomfortable twisting feeling out of his stomach. "I knew you'd come around-"

Blaine cut him off. He'd had enough of this crap.

"Seriously? Are you a real person? You're like a cartoon, you're like Scar or something, if he was human and gay and horny. I thought I made myself clear. I. Love. Kurt."

"Oh, you made that clear." Blaine got his hopes up for half a second that he'd got through to him… Sadly, no. "You said you didn't want to mess things up with him, and that's cute. Fortunately I can be very discreet." Blaine's mouth dropped open a fraction, and he raised an eyebrow. "I get that you're doing the young love thing now. Sweet. But do you really think he's enough for you? When you could have this?"

"Have _what_? Some meaningless fuck? Do you think Kurt's the only reason I'm not falling at your feet? Even if I was single, I wouldn't touch you." And now Sebastian's mouth was hanging open. "No, Sebastian. I'm done being polite. You're rude about my boyfriend, so I'm allowed to be rude to you. I hate your male bravado and your cocky asshole attitude and I just feel pissed off when you're near me. Maybe objectively, physically, you're attractive. But your personality is vile. I've seen you try and come between two people who love each other, and even if it wasn't me who you were trying to break, I'd still _hate_ you for it. Now go back to your creepy gay bar and screw some 40-year-old guy and end up dead inside. I really hope you can find what Kurt and I have. Because it means more than anything you've experienced. More than any encounter in any seedy bar in Ohio or Paris or anywhere. What you're trying to do to me, it's going to hurt you more than us, because he's _all_ I want. I _love_ him. Now grow up. Get over yourself. Leave. Us. Alone." Sebastian was silent. Blaine felt a twinge of guilt, but he knew it needed to be said. He turned to see Kurt standing behind him.

"I… Uh… Puck said you were out here. Everybody's asking after you."

Blaine moved closer to him and took his hand.

"How much did you he-"

"Enough." Kurt didn't even glance at Sebastian. He cupped Blaine's face with his free hand and kissed him gently on the cheek. "I love you too. Come on." And with that, holding hands, they walked inside and didn't look back.

Sebastian kept his hands in his pockets and turned away from the building. He pursed his lips and sniffed, rubbing the back of his neck and looking around to make sure nobody could see him. He took a deep breath and tried to ignore the lump in his throat. He swallowed, hoping that would make it go away. It didn't. He walked to his car, fishing for his keys. He tried to unlock it but everything was blurred and the key wouldn't go in and he leaned against it as a tear trickled down his cheek. He fumbled for his phone and scrolled down to the only person he could stand to be around now, who wasn't there because he couldn't stand to be near Sebastian.

"What do _you_ want? I thought you were done with me?" Ned was obviously still furious with him, but when Sebastian didn't answer and he heard laboured breathing, he sat up in bed and his tone changed. "Has something happened? Sebastian? What's wrong?"

"I… Ned… I need to see you."

There was a long pause. It was painful. He could hear Ned weighing the options in his mind, and he wasn't one for prayer but if it would make him say yes, he'd do anything.

"No. No, Sebastian, I can't. Not after what you said. I know you think I'm just some kid you can mess with, but I won't let you. Maybe I just got… caught up in someone liking me. I'd never really… it doesn't matter. You can't just expect me to come running because you've changed your mind. I'm not letting you drop me again. It was too far to fall."

He didn't let Sebastian respond. He knew if he heard his voice he'd cave. He heard a choked sob on the other end of the line.

"Sebastian?"

"What?" Only one syllable, and it made his voice catch in his throat. He sounded almost child-like. Ned knew he could take it all back. He could make him come back to Dalton and up to his room and he could explain everything and he could tell him it was OK, that he didn't need to keep bullshitting because it didn't work on him. He could hold him and kiss him and bring that shield down again, but what if it came back? What if he woke up in an empty bed again, having known the risks and having been stupid enough to fall for it twice? What if Sebastian just wasn't ready for all of this and he was perfect and gentle and vulnerable with him but with the others he was that rude, arrogant asshole again?

"Just… don't come to my room, OK? I don't want to see you."

He bit his lip and closed his eyes as soon as he'd said it. He clutched at his pillow and allowed himself a single sniff.

Sebastian was biting his lip too. He knew this was what he deserved. Why should he get a second chance? He gripped onto the door handle of his car and dropped his head against the window with a thud. He nodded silently before remembering he was on the phone.

"Fine. That's… it's fine. I'm tired anyway. I was just going to go to bed." He thumped his head against the car again, letting a tear drag down his cheek. "Ned?"

"Yeah?" Ned's eyes opened slightly and edged towards the phone. His brow furrowed. He tried not to hope for anything, he tried so hard, but maybe, just maybe Seb would say the right thing and then he wouldn't change around the others and maybe… no, Ned. Stop it. You know how this is going to end.

Sebastian made a fist and dug his nails into his palm.

_Apologise. Tell him you fucked up, tell him you miss him, tell him **anything** so you can keep talking. **Say you're sorry**._

He opened his mouth, letting his jaw hang there for a second, about to force the words out, but he couldn't. What could he do? Promise he'd stop being like this? Promise to be good enough for him? Those were promises he couldn't keep, and he couldn't lie to him. It wasn't fair on Ned.

"I'm… I understand. You're right." There was another pause as he heaved in another breath and bit on his tongue to distract himself from the burning in his eyes. "Goodbye, Ned."

Ned didn't say anything; he didn't have to. '_Goodbye_' was pretty clear, but neither of them hung up. They were both frozen, Sebastian next to his car in the cold and Ned on his bed squeezing his pillow until it was squashed out of recognition, holding their phones to their ears. All they could do was listen to each other breathing, and it was torture but they couldn't bring themselves to cut it off. Ned wanted to run to wherever he was and stop his breath from trembling like that, but after a minute he finally heard a click. He looked at his phone, and the screen went from the photo Seb didn't know Ned had, of him grinning like an idiot at Warbler practise, to black. He finally wiped his face with the heel of his hand, just smearing the tears across his cheek. He had to admit defeat. That was it. They'd both just given up.

Sebastian nodded at the others as they walked past him and they silently nodded back. He'd forgotten they weren't talking to him. He could have stayed on the phone, he could still be listening to him breathing, but he'd had to pretend everything was fine to people who hated him. He almost called him back, but he knew Ned would either ignore him or worse, pick up and talk to him and try to cheer him up when he didn't deserve it and give him another chance only for him to fuck it up again. He got in the car and shoved his phone in the glove compartment so he couldn't be tempted. He had to leave Ned alone. In the long run, it was for the best.

Ned lay back and closed his eyes again.

"Goodbye, Sebastian."


	14. Chapter 14

"What have you done?"

Five seconds and he already wanted to throw his phone out of the window. He took a deep breath.

"What?"

"Well, this is the second time you've called in a week. Are you in trouble, or do you want money?"

"No, Mom, it's not that-"

"Well, what is it? I know you haven't knocked anyone up; have you caught something?"

"Like what? You think I go around catching syphilis because I'm gay?"

"Not because you're… _gay," _her voice was dripping with contempt, struggling even to say the word, "because you're… you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I think you know."

"No, I don't. Why don't you enlighten me?" He felt his nostrils flaring. He had to stay calm.

She sighed. Apparently even this level of politeness was exhausting for her.

"Because, Sebastian, you're a _slut_. We both know it."

He was stunned into silence for a minute. He didn't think she even knew the word 'slut', but he wouldn't be surprised if she'd learnt it just to use it against him. He tried to calm himself down.

"Can I talk to Dad?"

"He's busy."

He took a deep breath. All he could do was ask. He had to try.

"Mom, _please…_ can I talk to her?"

"No."

"I know she's there, Mom."

"It's none of your business where she is. I told you, she's no longer your concern."

"What do you think's going to happen? You think Grace is going to turn into a filthy whore like me? Or do you think I'm going to turn her gay? Because trust me, if she winds up liking girls it will _not_ be my fault. I think Dad's pretty over-zealous in that department, maybe you shouldn't let him talk to her either-"

"Sebastian-"

"Oh, I get it. You think if I talk to her, if you let the depraved homo corrupt your little girl then maybe she'll realise what a _bitch_ you are. Maybe she'll finally learn to hate you."

"I don't have to listen to this, Sebastian. I can hang up whenever I want. You say what you have to say to me, or not at all."

He panicked.

"No, Mom, I… I'm done."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm done here. I want to go back."

"To Paris? I thought you hated it."

"Turns out this is worse." He wasn't lying. It was awful here. Even when it was good, it was bad. He cared about it too much. The last thing he'd cared about this much was his sister, and he'd been torn away from her. He had that same feeling in his stomach he used to have when he picked Grace up from school and she screamed when she saw him and flew into his arms and her hair went up his nose and she would ignore all of her friends because her big brother was there.

That was the only time he'd really been happy at home: when his parents would work late and he got to look after her every day. They would cook dinner together and he'd help with her homework and he'd read Artemis Fowl to her and do awful Irish accents: 'but you _have_ to do it, Bash! Dad doesn't do it right!' 'Sebastian' was a bit of mouthful for a two-year-old with a lisp, so she started calling him 'Bashun'. Over time it shortened to 'Bash', and that stuck.

She was the first person he came out to. They were watching Aladdin, her favourite, and she was snuggled against him on the sofa. He was fifteen, and she was seven. He paused the movie, but she didn't protest. She knew he wouldn't stop in the middle of the best song for no good reason.

"Gracie, have you ever liked a boy before?"

She didn't even move her eyes from the screen.

"No. I hate boys."

"Hey!"

"You don't count. You're different."

"Because I'm your big brother?"

"Yes. You're not one of those dumb boys that pull my hair and shout and get muddy all the time."

"Oh, really?"

He yanked on one of the scrappy plaits he's done for her. He was hopeless at it, but she refused to let her mother do them. She slapped his hand off and shifted away from him, but only a couple of inches. She lifted her legs up so her feet were resting on his lap and turned to face him.

"Fine, I hate you too. You're just a big stupid boy like them."

"Right. The thing is… I think I _am_ different to other boys."

"Because you're bigger?"

"No, I mean boys my age. I think I'm different to them… because I like boys."

"But all boys like boys. They always play together, just like I play with girls. Except they get dirtier."

Sebastian smiled at her. This was why he knew he could tell her before anyone else. It didn't matter what he did, he'd always be her big brother.

"That's a good point. But you know how when kids get older, they start liking people in a different way? Like, boys and girls? Like Aladdin and Jasmine?"

Grace wrinkled her nose.

"Yeah. It's gross."

"You know what? I think you may be onto something there."

"Bash, you haven't got a _girlfriend_ have you?"

She hated the idea of sharing him with another girl.

"No, Gracie. You're the only lady for me," she beamed up at him, "the thing is; I like boys like that."

"Like what?"

"You know…" he tried to think like a seven-year-old, "I _like them_ like them."

"So you've got a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend?"

"No. But I could. Some day. I mean, sometimes boys like boys and girls like girls. Do you understand that?"

"I only like _you_. I like you whoever you like. But not a girlfriend."

He grinned.

"OK, Gracieface, no girlfriends. I promise."

"Good. Now press play, this is the bit where Abu steals the man's sword…"

He looked at her and pulled her close so that she was leaning on his chest again.

"Grace?"

She rolled her eyes, not as subtly as she thought. He was killing the tension, and this was her favourite part.

"What?"

He stroked her hair gently as her head rose and fell with his breathing.

"I love you."

She looked up shyly, frowning at him. He didn't usually talk so seriously. It was as if he'd told her something big and important. She was worried for a second, but she saw that he was smiling. It couldn't be that bad. She stretched up and kissed him on the cheek.

"Love you too, Bash," she said, beaming, before snuggling back down next to him.

She fell asleep before the movie was over. He carried her to bed, tucked her in and kissed her on the head. That night was the first time he went to a gay bar. It was also the night he lost his virginity. He knew he couldn't tell his parents, but as long as Grace didn't mind, he didn't feel ashamed. He started going out more regularly, learning techniques, knowing what his assets were. He endured Sunday Roasts, their only family tradition which was always hopelessly tense, sharing secret glances with Grace, gritting his teeth every time his parents made some kind of homophobic slur. He hadn't realised how often they did it, sometimes with nothing more than a glance, but it seemed to be snuck into every conversation they ever had: 'I heard he's a…' with a furtive, wide-eyed nod, a raised eyebrow, judging people he thought they'd always liked purely on who they had sex with. Why couldn't they be like Grace? Why couldn't they see it didn't make a difference? It didn't matter; now he had a way to work out his frustrations. It didn't always feel good, but it always felt like he was beating them. If he could do this, _be_ this without them knowing, he was winning. After all, he still had his little sister.

One dinner, things changed.

"I mean, can you believe it? Everyone's just acting like it's fine!"

"And nobody's intervening? Nobody's trying to stop it?"

"I guess they're just _giving_ kids away now. There are so many they can't afford to be fussy. All these teenagers sleeping around, not knowing what they're getting into, of course there are going to be babies nobody wants, so they give them to the gays."

Sebastian was leaning over and cutting Grace's meat up for her. She noticed him doing it more vigorously than usual. Seven-year-olds notice more than people give them credit for.

"Mom?"

"Yes, Grace? Elbows off the table."

"What's a gay?"

Oh no. _Please don't say anything, Gracie. Please, just this once, don't be perfect and honest. Just be quiet._

Their mother put her hand over Grace's.

"Well, sweetheart…"

"Helen, are you sure about this?"

"No, Mark, she should know. She needs to be prepared to face this kind of thing. Grace, you know how your father and I got married and decided to have children, because that's what people do. Boys find wives, and girls find husbands. Someday you will marry a nice boy, and Sebastian will convince some stupid girl to see past his… issues." Grace scrunched her face up in confusion and annoyance. She wasn't exactly sure what she was talking about, but it sounded mean. She looked at Sebastian, whose wide eyes were pleading with her. She looked back to her mother, and slid her hand away from her and onto her lap. She wasn't going to touch her as long as she was upsetting Sebastian. "Well, some boys and girls get confused. It's like they're sick. They think they can get married to someone the same as them. Can you imagine that? Boys liking boys? Children having two daddies?"

"Why not?"

"Because it's wrong. It's not a real marriage. Those people are ill, darling."

"But Seb's not sick."

He closed his eyes. If he couldn't see his parents' expressions, maybe they wouldn't be there. His father's voice was slow. He spoke deliberately.

"Grace, what do you mean by that?"

"Sebastian doesn't want a girlfriend. He wants a boyfriend. He likes boys, but he's not sick. He's fine, and he looks after me. If I had two dads like Bash, I don't think I'd mind."

"Sebastian? Would you like to explain to your little sister that she's got it wrong? Boys like _girls_, don't they?"

He spoke so slowly, so firmly, with such silent rage. Sebastian looked at his father. He stared him dead in the eyes. He was never going to get a better opportunity than this. He looked back to Grace, who looked scared for him and she wasn't the only one.

"No. Sometimes people just like other people, whether they're boys or girls, and Grace, whoever you want to love, it's fine. You should try your best to be happy however you can."

"Sebastian. She's seven. What are you _doing_?"

"I'm being honest, Dad. Some boys do like boys. _I_ like boys. I like boys and men and I like kissing them and touching them and doing a lot of other stuff with them. I'm gay."

"No you're not."

"Grace," Helen interrupted, "why don't you help me… make drinks?"

"We've got drinks. Mom, why's Bash upset? Why are you angry with him?"

"He's being silly. He's making things up to upset your father and me. He's lying, Grace."

He looked at his sister desperately. _I'd never lie to you, Gracie, you know that._

"No he's not. Why can't he like boys? Why are you being so mean to him?"

"I'm not talking to you about this. You're too young to understand. Sebastian, we will discuss this later."

They ate their meal in silence. When Grace was in bed but wide awake, they had a screaming match. Helen threw things. Mark stewed quietly. Sebastian fluctuated between shouting and crying. He was angry that they could be so ridiculously out of touch, that _anyone_ could still think the way they did when someone as young as Grace could just accept anything. He was furious that they'd tried to make her think he'd lied and that they didn't even apologise for saying what they'd said about countless other gay people right in front of him, but more than that he was just sad. He'd made himself completely vulnerable to them. At fifteen, he'd finally told them the secret that had been eating him up inside, and they were treating him like some kind of deviant. All he wanted was for his parents to give him a hug and tell him they loved him and go back to normal. They were supposed to make him feel safe, but he remembered he'd never really had that with them.

They didn't have to do anything. They could have just smiled and said nothing at all. All they had to do was be his mother and father, the way mothers and fathers were supposed to be, but instead his mother was yelling at him and his father was staring at the table, unable to make eye contact with him.

"Do you have any fucking idea what this is going to do to us? You think my friends won't find out? My colleagues? My reputation, everything I've worked for my whole life, and suddenly you decide to stomp in and wreck it?"

He didn't even bother to argue that he hadn't _decided_ anything, and that it would affect _his_ reputation too and that he was _scared_ of this but he couldn't fight it. He knew she wouldn't listen. He was tired of arguing. He leaned against the wall, defeated.

"Mark! Will you say something, instead of sitting on your ass like nothing's wrong?"

Mark's fingers were interlocked on the table. He stared straight ahead, as if he was formulating a plan.

"You need to leave."

Sebastian's head flicked around to face him. His voice cracked.

"What?"

"We'll… we'll find you a school somewhere. Somewhere out of temptation's way." Sebastian knew what that meant: out of _their_ way. Out of their sight. "I've got a friend who runs a boarding school in Paris. A year or two abroad, that's what you need. It'll help you grow up. Get these ideas out of your head."

"Dad, they're not _ideas_, it's not going to change anything -"

"You're in no position to argue, Sebastian. You're the one who has made things difficult, and you'll do what I say."

"Mom? Is this what you want?"

"I want you out. I don't want to look at you, if _that's_ what you do with your time. I want you far away."

It dawned on him that he was going whether he liked it or not.

"So you're just kicking me out? You're kicking me out because I'm gay?"

"Don't use that word. You're confused. You're young. We'll give it a year. It's not like you'll be on the street; it's a fine institution. I'll make some calls tomorrow and you can leave as soon as next week."

A quiet voiced piped up from around the door into the kitchen.

"Sebastian? Are you leaving?" Grace's eyes were red and her cheeks were glossy with tears. She tugged on the sleeve of her light blue pyjamas, wiping her nose on it. He looked at her, turning his back on his parents. She instinctively ran towards him and he caught her, picking her up and balancing her on his hip and letting her nuzzle against his neck. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to promise he wasn't going anywhere, but he knew it would be a lie. He stroked her hair and tried not to make it too obvious that he was crying, but it was impossible. He fought for breath, swallowing hard and staring at his parents in disbelief. He was hit by one realisation after another: Not only were they making him move schools and leave his friends, they were tearing him away from his little sister. This wasn't about their reputations anymore; it was about protecting their baby from him. It was as if he was unfit to take care of her, even to be around her, in case he somehow rubbed off on her. Suddenly years of helping feed her and do her hair and teach her maths and do the funny voices and walk her home from school meant nothing. Being her big brother, the one thing about himself he really _liked_, meant nothing.

He held her tight, rubbing her back soothingly. He didn't know what else to do. He cried silently into her unruly hair, forcing out the occasional 'shh'. It was more for himself than her. He didn't want to say anything to make it worse. Nothing made him more miserable than hearing Grace crying but he didn't want her to be quiet. He didn't know how long he had left to listen to her voice.

"Mom? Who's on the phone?"

He knew that voice. It had changed; it was older, but it was definitely her.

"It's nobody, darling."

"It's him, isn't it?"

"Yes, Gracie! It's me!" he shouted, "Mom, please give her the phone! Just for five minutes – I just want to hear her voice."

"Sorry, Grace, he has to go in a minute. He's just telling me he wants to go back to Paris."

She was practically whispering.

"Again? Mom, why can't he come _home_? I miss him. He didn't even remember my birthday; what if he's forgotten about me?"

He closed his eyes and he leaned his forehead on his palm. He knew she wouldn't give her the card. He wasn't surprised when it came back to him, just like the others. He knew the photo of the two of them, neatly framed and messily wrapped, would go straight in the garbage. That didn't make it any less of a kick in the chest to hear her sad little voice. She may have been older, but she was still only ten. He'd always hoped she would know better - that he would _never_ forget about her - but it had been three years. How long was she supposed to hold on for?

"Mom, why are you doing this? I can't even see her, and I know she's upset. I just want to ask how she is." His voice was weak. He'd already lost and he could feel it. He felt a weight in his stomach, pulling him into defeat. "Please, Mom. I'll go back to Paris, just like you wanted me to, and I'll be out of your way. Five minutes."

There was a pause. Was she considering it? Was there any chance he might actually get to talk to Grace? He held his breath.

"No, darling, it's fine. I don't want to keep you. Sorry, Grace, your brother has to go. Don't worry, Sebastian, we'll have you back in France in a week. I know how much you miss it. Grace will understand."

"Mom…" he started to argue, but he gave up. He'd given up on Grace a year ago. He'd only seen her at Christmas, when they were at their grandparents' house and were kept at opposite ends of the table. He'd tried to get eye contact with her, but she obviously thought he'd let her down. Every time she looked at him, she would look broken and turn to her mother, who gave her the signature comforting pat on the hand. He'd kept his promise and written to her every week, knowing his mother would send every letter straight back. He knew what she'd be saying about him. Probably the same things the Warblers would be saying about him to Ned. At home there was Grace, and here there was Ned, but in Paris there was nobody. At least then he would have nothing to lose. "Fine. Thanks. Tell Grace… tell her I'm sorry."

"Sweetheart, he says he's sorry. He just needs to go. Say goodbye." She held the phone up to Grace.

"Goodbye, Sebastian." She sounded heartbroken. She never called him Sebastian. He didn't say anything; his throat had closed up. Tears spilled over his cheeks, burning into his skin. He pressed the phone to his ear, savouring the traces of her voice that he could still hear as she whimpered to their mother. "Why doesn't he want to talk to me?"

"He has a lot of work to do, darling, and he needs to start packing and saying his goodbyes."

He had already said it; he had already given up. He hung up and let his phone drop to the floor. He looked around his room and took a deep breath. He opened his wardrobe to start emptying it, but as soon as he'd pulled the door close to him, he couldn't let go of it. He gripped harder and harder onto the edge, pressing his head against the inside, his breath coming in short bursts. He slid down gradually, screwing his face up and squeezing his eyes shut, and turning in until he was sitting on the floor of the cupboard. He yanked at a sweater and it fell from the hanger into his lap, and he buried his face in it. He felt tiny. His breath was falling out of him with each sob faster than he could suck it back in, and he pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

At least while he was at Dalton, having feelings wasn't quite so weird. He made the most of it, because he knew where he was going, this kind of outburst wouldn't be allowed. And the wardrobes were too small to hide in.


	15. Chapter 15

The common room went silent when Sebastian walked in. He'd skipped all of his classes that day, but he knew he had to come to practise one last time. Ned looked up before he could stop himself. Part of Sebastian wanted to look away and pretend he didn't care, but he was too tired. He swallowed as he stared straight at Ned, really paying attention to every bit of his face. His eyes, his nose, his freckles, his creased, concerned forehead… even though they weren't supposed to be talking, no matter how hard Ned tried to stay angry with him, no matter how hard Sebastian tried not to care, they couldn't look away.

Seb wanted to look at the floor or the walls, that was the plan, but his eyes were determined to take in all they could.

"Sorry I'm late."

Even Wes could tell there was something bigger going on.

"Don't mention it. I guess we should get to work, unless there's anything else?"

"Yes, actually. I, um… I'm leaving. I'm going back to Paris." Ned's mouth fell open. He'd hoped that maybe after this awkwardness they could maybe go back to being friends at least, but that was so final. "This is my last Warbler practise."

Ned knew he was supposed to stay quiet. He was getting Sebastian out of his system, and that involved pretending he didn't exist, which would be a lot easier if he was gone, but it still felt like a slap in the face.

"You're leaving? Why?"

_Because of you. Because if I have to stay here without being with you, I'll fall apart. Because even if you forgive me, I know I'll end up hurting you, and I can't handle seeing your sad face anymore because it hurts too much, because I can't lose you like I lost Grace._

"Grades. I'm not doing so well here. I need to go somewhere without… distractions."

It was painfully obvious which distractions he was talking about. Ned looked at his feet. Nick stood up.

"Well… we'll miss you."

He was telling the truth. The Sebastian who sang like he meant it and got the moves wrong when he looked at Ned and laughed at himself for it, _that_ Sebastian was one of them. They were missing him already even though they knew that really he was still there. He'd been obscured by the way he'd been behaving, now that façade was crumbling. All that was left was a defeated, broken boy.

"Thanks. I- I wanted to say thank you. I know I haven't exactly- I've messed up a lot. With all of you." He still couldn't tear his gaze away from Ned, even though he could only see the top of his head as he looked at the ground. "I just wanted to thank you all for being so nice, even though I didn't deserve it. I still don't deserve it… but I really have enjoyed being here. I wasn't really sure how to say it, but I figured as it's Warbler practise… it sounded a lot less tacky in my head…"

David nodded at him.

"We'd love to hear it, Sebastian. Take your time."

"Oh. Right. Yeah."

He hadn't taken into account the fact that he'd actually have to do it. He knew the song perfectly and he'd performed in front of crowds ten times this size, but it was _them_. He couldn't do what he normally did, acting like he owned the place and strutting around eye-fucking every member of the audience. They'd made fun of him when he'd been a tool, but not when they could have really hurt him. He could feel them looking at him every time he'd grinned like a goofball at Ned and they hadn't said a word. They'd seen him softening and harbouring a stupid crush like a twelve-year-old girl and getting confused and letting himself be vulnerable, and instead of doing what anyone else would have done, what _he_ probably would have done, instead of tearing him down for it they just kept quiet. They seemed to think it was a good thing.

He kept thinking about was how much it hurt being here, seeing Ned, knowing how much it had all affected him. It wasn't fair that he had this hold over him without even trying. He had no right to make him feel like this. He was furious that he'd let someone make him give a shit again.

It wasn't like his audition, when he could plaster on the smile and belt out the lyrics. It was pointless putting on the usual show; there was no need to try and impress people he was never going to see again, especially when it wouldn't fool them anyway.

All he could do was sing. For the first time, he actually thought about the lyrics and let himself feel them.

"_I've been roaming around, always looking down at all I see_…"

The first line alone was enough to knock the wind out of Ned. Sebastian knew this was his favourite song by his favourite band, he knew his brothers had taken him to see them for his thirteenth birthday, he knew someone's boot had flown off and smacked him in the head and they'd rushed him to hospital even though he was fine, because they were so terrified that he'd get hurt on their watch and that their mother would kill them for it.

"_Someone like you, and all you know, and how you speak…"_

Ned remembered telling him about it when they were supposed to be studying for a Chemistry test. He remembered Sebastian's sad smile whenever he mentioned his brothers, and the way he would always stare at him for a bit too long then look away, embarrassed.

"_Countless lovers, undercover, on the street…"_

Ned remembered everything, and he knew it wasn't a lie, but he also knew Sebastian would never be able to admit that. He shook his head and stared at the floor as he got up and ran out on the line '_You know that I could use somebody, someone like you_', bumping into Sebastian on the way. He had to clap his hand over his mouth so he wouldn't make even more of an idiot of himself. Neither of them could bear to turn back to look at the other.

Ned was so angry again; angry with Sebastian for picking that song out of everything he could have chosen, for so blatantly singing it directly to him, for pretending to be some big heartbreaker and then running scared when it worked. Ned _had _been used. They both knew, everyone in the room knew it had turned into more than that, but that didn't matter anymore. Sebastian had slept with him and tossed him aside, and now he was leaving. No matter what had happened since that night, the heartbreak was just as bad. Worse.

Sebastian gritted his teeth and powered through the song. The school in Paris wasn't big on singing like this. It wasn't big on anything that included displays of emotion. It would be back to rules and stiff upper lips and sneaking out every night to get away from the lewd comments. Back to drinking himself blind to try and block out the gay jokes and the rudeness and the sneers and he knew he had to make the most of being here, and singing was the only way he could thank the Warblers without bursting into tears. He was close, though.

Nick went after Ned, his cheeks burning. He'd encouraged this and tried to tell Ned that Sebastian was a good guy really and it didn't matter that he still believed it because Sebastian never would. He ran out to find Ned in the corridor, leaning against the wall and sliding down to the floor, wrapping one arm around his knees and using the sleeve on the other to wipe his eyes.

"Ned, I… I-"

"I hate him."

"I'm so sorry, Ned, I-"

"I do. I _hate_ him." His voice was cracking. There wasn't a trace of hate in his entire body. He didn't care that the others could probably hear him. He knew Nick was desperately searching for the right words to make him feel better, but there weren't any. He was just grateful that he didn't say the truth: '_You don't hate him, Ned; you__** love**__ him'_, because they both knew. Saying it out loud would only make it worse.

Nick knelt next to him and pulled him into a hug, his sobs muffled against his chest.

"It's not fair; I gave him _everything_, and he… he…" his voice was difficult to make out as the sound was absorbed by Nick's blazer, but he could tell it was strangled, that it hurt him to keep talking. His breathing was spasmodic and sharp as he tried to suck air in as fast as he cried it out. "Nick… it hurts."

Nick didn't say anything. He just kept holding him. He was gradually realising that it was all he could do in these situations. He just wished he didn't have to do it at all.

The other Warblers weren't being silently polite anymore. They looked nervously at each other. They glanced at Ned's empty seat and at Sebastian, who had his eyes closed and was giving the best performance they'd seen from him. He wasn't throwing in any complicated moves or trying to outshine anyone now that it was just him and the words. Jeff bit his lip. His eyes were stinging. He knew he wasn't the only one getting choked up.

As the song came to an end, Sebastian's voice was barely audible. It was a broken whimper, not even in tune, but somehow it was still beautiful. He didn't move. He kept his eyes closed and his head bowed until he heard something. A clap. It made him flinch, and he looked up despite his blurred vision to see Jeff standing up, applauding him. One by one they joined in, Wes, David, Trent, Thad, some standing, some sitting because their legs were shaking too much, but they were all clapping. It was same serious, respectful clapping as before, no whooping or cheering, but this time it wasn't because Sebastian had been taught a lesson; it was because he'd learnt it on his own, and it was too late. Jeff walked up to him and hugged him roughly. At first he stiffened, unsure how to react, but eventually he hugged him back harder. His fingers dug into Jeff's shoulder and his breathing was quick and shaky.

"You know, you can stay for practise if you want. One more time."

Sebastian shook his head, blinking furiously even though his cheeks were already streaked with tears.

"Sorry… I can't."

He walked out into the corridor, almost tripping over Nick and Ned. They both looked up at him silently.

"Ned, I- I-"

They kept staring at him. He shook his head again, swallowing, and ran past them without looking back. Ned looked at Nick, who shrugged helplessly, before flopping his head against him again.


	16. Chapter 16

As he downed his fourth drink, Sebastian managed not to wince so hard. He knew it would only take a couple more until he didn't taste anything. His throat was still raw, but it had nothing to do with the drink. It was from an afternoon of swallowing hard, tightening his throat along with his whole body as he packed. He had hoped the drinks would relax him, but he was still tense all over. He could feel the music vibrating in his stomach.

Yet another bulky frame loomed behind him, attempting some sort of grind in time to 'Vogue'. He could tell from the slightest movement that he was at least forty. Sebastian was nothing if not experienced. Yes, Scandals was still a dive. Yes, it was the last place he wanted to be. But it was the only place he could be alone. When he was back in his room, it was as if Ned was still there with him, and if he'd had to look at him one more time… he just couldn't. He felt hot breath on his neck and in his ear.

"You new? I don't believe we've met…"

A hand slid against the small of his back. This was nothing new to Sebastian, but now instead of being part of the normal routine, it was an intrusion. It made him feel sick when he should have been lapping it up. He should have this guy's mouth on his dick already – hell, they should be done already, but now the very idea made him shudder. He shrugged, flinching away from the touch.

"Can it. Not interested." He waved to the bartender. "I'll have the same again."

A different voice chimed in behind him, but it was barely audible over the music.

"Haven't you had enough-"

"I said _leave me alone_-"

He grabbed the hand that was brushing against his waist and froze. He knew that hand. The skin was soft, cold, a little clammy and shaky. As if it belonged to somebody who was nervous. Someone who'd never been to a bar before. Someone who'd forced themselves to come, despite being underage, just to see him.

"What are you doing here?"

He turned to see Ned standing there, looking so tiny in a room full of predators. Sebastian's first instinct was to get him away from the place, but he fought it. He couldn't show how afraid he was for him. He pushed himself, again and again, to remember what he used to be – cold; closed off. He did everything he could to bring it back. He flashed back to every meaningless fuck, every seedy encounter in every shitty, sleazy bar, and plastered on the same old callous, expressionless sneer. It felt like the home he'd run away from.

"I wish I could ask you the same question, but I'd be wasting my time. I know, Seb, I know exactly what you're doing here, and I know it's not going to work."

"Stop it."

"No."

"This is the real world, you know. You can't just run off and wait for a kid in a blazer to run after you and kiss it better. Big bad Sebastian might actually get you, and they're not here to rescue you again. Leave."

"No. I'm not going and you don't want me to."

He hated that. The way Ned acted like he knew everything about him. And he really hated that voice in the back of his head telling him Ned was right, and he blocked it out again. The meathead from earlier had only moved a metre or so away. There wasn't a lot of room to escape rejection in Scandals; it usually wasn't a problem as it was rare for anyone to say no. Sebastian caught his eye and grabbed his collar, pulling himself up from his stool. He heaved the guy in between himself and Ned and kissed him.

He kept his eyes on Ned, to show him he didn't care if he saw, to let him know that it was for his benefit. He didn't care about anything, least of all Ned. It was a look he'd perfected, but usually his eyes weren't sparkling with tears to give him away. For a heartbeat he could see Ned's face, looking like he couldn't breathe, like somebody had a firm grip on his insides, but only for a second. Then there were hands on his face and a hot, heavy body pressing against him, and even the thumping bass was drowned out by obscene groans.

This situation was anything but new to Sebastian, but now he thought he was going to vomit, and instead of numb, the alcohol was making him feel dizzy. He pulled away and pushed the man off of him.

"What the-"

Sebastian didn't even answer him. He shoved him aside, but Ned had already gone. He looked to the door just in time to see him running out, and he darted after him.

"Ned! Wait!"

The cold air slapped him in the face as soon as he got outside. Ned had stopped halfway to his car and was facing away from him. Sebastian couldn't tell if he was panting or crying.

"Ned…"

Ned spun around. Sebastian had to clamp his mouth shut when he saw his face. He'd never seen anyone look that broken since Grace, except maybe himself.

"What?" he snapped.

Sebastian's mouth hung open. Now that he had his attention, he didn't know what to do with it.

"Well? What is it? What else do you want to do to me?"

At that moment, Sebastian wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball somewhere quiet with Ned wrapped around him. Or the other way around. He just wanted to be close to him, holding onto him, taking that scared look off his face, but instead he stood there, swaying slightly thanks to the combination of eight shots of vodka and a gentle midnight breeze.

"So was this one of your games the whole time? Was this the result you were going for? You, alone at a crappy bar and me yelling at you? Me _crying_ over you; is that what you wanted? Well, fine. Fuck you. Oh wow, I swore, okay? I'm finally playing along, right? Well, guess what – I'm not playing anymore. I can't. I'm out."

He paused for a second, as if he had more to say, but he knew it wouldn't be enough. He sighed, closed his mouth and turned to leave. Sebastian ran after him, trying to grab his arm and kiss him, but he resisted. He pulled his arm away.

"No. I won't. You can't do that anymore; you don't get to kiss me and make me forget. Get off me."

He started to walk away again. Now that their eyes weren't locked, Sebastian finally summoned the strength to speak, even if it wasn't enough to tell the truth.

"You see? I knew it!"

Ned stopped, but still didn't look at him.

"Knew what?"

"You keep trying to act like you don't care, like you don't love me, but I knew you did. You can't even look at me; it's pathetic. Do you know what this means? It means _I won_. You acted like you were too good for me, like you were some innocent little boy, but not anymore. Now I've fucked you up and I'm leaving you all alone. It was almost too easy."

Ned didn't move. Sebastian stepped towards him, reaching for his arm.

"For fuck's sake, Ned, are you such a coward that you can't even look at me?"

Ned turned around before Seb reached him. His cheeks were striped with tears. Sebastian stepped back, his mask faltering as he was too drunk and in too much pain to keep it up.

_But you have to keep going. Make him hate you. Make it so you can't come back._

"Can you hear yourself? When exactly was I acting, Sebastian? Was it the time I ran out of English in tears, or today at practise when I asked why you were leaving? Maybe when I brought you coffee and kissed you; was I playing hard to get?"

Seb remained silent. His fingers twitched at his sides.

"Do you honestly still believe it when you say you were messing with me? Is there a single part of you that still sees me as some kind of conquest? I _never_ pretended not to care, not once; I've been totally fucking clear about how I feel. I _love_ you."

He stopped for a breath, which turned into a sob. He couldn't believe that the first time he told someone he loved them was like _that_. His voice was shaking, but he kept going anyway.

"You're the coward, Sebastian. You're the one who's pretending, and it's not just me who can tell. Everyone except you knows that you're not the guy you used to be, and what if it's a good thing?"

Ned reached for Sebastian's hand. He wanted to yank it away, but his body and his mind refused to cooperate. Their fingers linked, and Sebastian closed his eyes and bowed his head.

"You keep lying to yourself, telling yourself you don't care, but you're just scared. You're so scared of letting me in, but it's too late. I'm in, and I know you better than you do, and I _know_ you love me back."

Sebastian felt a tear freeze on his cheek. He wasn't sure if he was breathing. His eyes were burning and it was impossible to pretend he wasn't crying when he could feel Ned's fingers between his. They slipped away as Ned cupped his face with both hands, forcing him to open his eyes and lock them with the blue ones inches away from him.

"You don't have to go back to being him. This Sebastian, _my_ Sebastian, he's twice the man that guy was, and I know he's still in there, but… it's hard. It's hard loving you, because sometimes I'm the only one who does. That's the problem. You don't hate me. You hate yourself."

He pulled Seb's face down so their noses were rubbing together. Sebastian clung to Ned's waist with one hand while the other hung limply at his side, freezing now that it wasn't linked with Ned's.

"I can't keep trying to show you what I see. I can't open your eyes for you."

Sebastian kept trying to lean in to kiss him, or just to be as close to him as possible. He knew he was going to leave, and all that would be in front of him was an empty space, but there was nothing he could do about it except maybe keep him there a little longer. Ned turned his face away from Sebastian's lips and they stood, cheek to cheek as if they were dancing, while Ned whispered in his ear.

"Go to Paris, if you have to… if you want to. I want you to be happy. I just don't want you to go back to being him."

He stroked Sebastian's face one last time to wipe a tear away and reach up to kiss him lightly on the cheek. As if he had a grazed knee and he was kissing it better - so innocent, but so warm. He let his head drop forward, knowing there was more affection in that peck on the cheek than he would probably see for the next year.

Ned walked to his car, turning back as he opened the door. They ignored the thrumming bass from the bar. His voice was little more than a whisper, but Sebastian could still hear him.

"And you're wrong about something else. I'm not alone. I've got the Warblers. All you've got now is Paris."


	17. Chapter 17

Sorry for the delay; I've been busy moving house and stuff. I know this chapter is short but the next one will be longer :)

* * *

Sebastian surveyed his fellow passengers in the departure lounge. They were mostly asleep. The strip lighting was harsh, and he wished he was outside. It was pitch black and still freezing, but he would rather lie on icy concrete than sit slumped in a rigid seat breathing the stale air of the airport. He was on the cheapest flight available back to his no-expense-spared school at 3am. Most of the people surrounding him were in creased suits, trying to get to some meeting, maybe home to their families. Sebastian winced at the thought of family. His head was pounding with the remains of the alcohol from the night before, so he took a deep breath and slouched further in the seat, letting his head fall back against the hard rim of the chair.

He wasn't new to airports. He didn't care that the cold metal dug into his neck. It was nothing he hadn't felt before. He closed his eyes for a second, but they flickered open again when he heard a soft voice, sweet and sleepy, simply letting out a small 'Mmmm'. He lifted his head up. That didn't sound like the people he normally had to fly with.

His eyes landed on a couple in front of him. There were two rows of empty seats between him and the young man and woman, but he had a clear view of them. He was in that certain state of fatigue where his eyes would land on something and refuse to move, but they were too oblivious to the world to notice. They weren't making any public displays of affection. They were barely moving. They were obviously broke, or they wouldn't have been on such an early flight (_and they might have been in better clothes_), but they didn't seem to mind. He was reading a book, probably one he'd read a dozen times before, with curled corners and brown pages, while she dozed on his shoulder. She wasn't even snuggling up to him particularly, just calmly leaning her head on him and holding his hand. Their fingers were only loosely intertwined, but they clearly weren't going to separate any time soon.

Sebastian noticed that the man was struggling to read. Not because he was tired, but because he only had one hand free, and he had to keep fumbling with his thumb and little finger to turn the pages, and every time he did the book would close or he would drop it, or come close to dropping it then save it at the last second. Every time he came to some place-losing disaster, he would look back to the woman to make sure she hadn't woken up. Sebastian couldn't help staring at them doing this little dance over and over, doing so much but barely doing anything.

He could have let go of her hand. He could have read his book like a normal human being and she would have been none the wiser. She still would have slept. He wouldn't have had to look back every two minutes to check that she was still asleep. Nothing would have changed between them.

Their relationship clearly didn't depend on this hand-holding; but it looked like he did. It didn't matter that he _could_ have let go. He just didn't want to. He would put up with an hour of clumsy reading if it meant he could keep his fingers between hers.

Sebastian's mouth fell open. His eyes were stinging, and it wasn't because he hadn't slept in twenty hours or because there was a hangover clawing at the base of his skull. It was because he _had_ let go. He could still have those slender fingers between his, that head of floppy hair resting on his shoulder, that face still caring about him even when he was unconscious. _He_ hadn't even been reading a book. The only thing Ned was dragging him away from was being a douchebag, and now what was he going to do? Go back to Paris, be an asshole again, pretend it didn't hurt? Go back to missing Grace and add Ned to the list of people he'd lost? One name on there was more than enough.

He realised his breathing had sped up, but it was too late to do anything about it. He'd gone from being freezing cold in the air conditioned departure lounge to boiling hot, as if his own skin were one layer too many. He yanked his sweater over his head as he tried to hear anything other than blood rushing in his ears and the drumming of his own heart as his leg started to twitch nervously.

The only way he could mask his panic was to look back at the couple. The man had given up on his book by now, resting it on his lap and leaning his head back slightly, closing his eyes to try and get some sleep. Just as he started to doze off, his girlfriend opened one eye and looked up at him. She smiled a secretive sort of smile, enjoying a moment she would probably never tell anyone about, not even him, before settling back against him. She flexed her fingers before relaxing them again, back into the position that was obviously so familiar to her.

He didn't know how to get his suitcase back or if he was allowed to leave the airport now that he'd checked in or what his parents would say if they found out. All he knew was that he had to get out of the airport, and he had to get back to Ned.


	18. Chapter 18

Ned was already wide awake when the tapping started. How was he supposed to sleep when Sebastian was not only leaving the country, but he was miserable as well. He felt helpless and he couldn't keep still. He stared at the ceiling, the walls, the fabric of his bedding, taking in every detail until everything swirled and twisted in front of him. He wished he hadn't gone to the bar. He should have just let him go that afternoon, then at least he wouldn't be stuck with the image of his face in his head, so sad and lonely, looking so tiny even though he was a good four inches taller than Ned. He wasn't holding himself with the sense of pride and dignity he had before. That was the saddest part; Sebastian was too weak even to pretend anymore. Ned angrily wiped at his cheeks, furious with himself for crying. It would be easier not to if he couldn't still feel Sebastian's lips against his; if he couldn't still taste him and smell him and feel his hands on his waist.

He rolled over as he finally noticed the irritating tapping noise at his window. He tried to squeeze his eyes closed, putting his pillow over his head to block out the noise and the sliver of moonlight that was snaking in.

The tapping persisted.

It wasn't even a steady rhythm. It was spasmodic, the timing and the volume different every time. It was infuriating. Ned let out a groan of exasperation and pulled the covers off, making him shudder with cold, and walked to the window to get rid of whatever insane bird was trying to torture him. He pulled up his blind, one hand rubbing at his eyes as if they weren't already red enough. There wasn't a bird in sight. He jumped as a piece of gravel flew towards his face before bouncing off the window. He looked down to see Sebastian, shivering, wincing when he saw Ned's frightened expression. Ned's mouth fell open. He was scared to open the window. They both stayed perfectly still, looking at each other. There was a noticeable turn upwards at the corner of Sebastian's mouth. It wasn't a smile, but it wasn't a smirk either. It set Ned on edge. The last time he'd seen that look, it had ended up smashing his heart into pieces. Sebastian tried to match his seriousness, but he couldn't quite muster up a frown. He shrugged a little, as if to say '_you can't keep that closed forever'_. Ned swallowed hard, took a deep breath and opened the window.

"Hi."

"What are you doing?"

"Throwing pebbles at your window."

"Why?"

"I don't know; but you're here, so I think it was a good thing to do."

They were talking as if they were right next to each other despite being two storeys apart. It didn't matter. They could still hear. Ned ignored his pulse radiating through him. He could feel it in his kneecaps, his knuckles, his teeth; every part of him was shaking. He chewed his lip anxiously. When he finally spoke again, his voice was even quieter.

"What- what do you want?"

Sebastian's trace of a smile disappeared.

"You."

Ned's eyes widened and in spite of himself he could feel a pink flush spreading from his neck to his cheeks until it reached the tips of his ears. He suddenly felt too hot even though there was an icy breeze hitting him head on through the open window. He shook his head slowly in disbelief.

"Don't, Sebastian-"

"No, no, I know, but just… just come down. Please, Ned, just talk to me."

"It's four in the morning."

"Yeah, and I've already given my key back. It's actually pretty nice out here, as long as you're wrapped up."

Ned paused again. He sighed. He couldn't just leave him there. He held up two fingers and closed the window. Two minutes.

Sebastian had to jog on the spot to keep warm, keeping an eye on the side door the boys weren't supposed to know about, which came in useful for smokers and anyone who wanted to sneak out to meet someone. His face lit up when he saw a flicker of movement and Ned emerged, hunched over to protect himself from the cold and from Sebastian. He still looked so serious, and Seb had to stop himself from pulling him into a hug and stroking his hair to let him know it was alright. He knew it wouldn't be that easy.

He trotted over to meet him, and was suddenly terrified. He couldn't touch him. He couldn't say anything; he didn't know where to start. He could hardly breathe. He tried to smile at Ned, who looked up at him without a trace of humour in his face. Fortunately, he spoke first so Sebastian didn't have to.

"How did you get back?"

"Cab. I explained that my dad's the DA, and… well, the taxpayer's paid for my ride, but I'm sure I'll pay for it later somehow."

Ned didn't laugh.

"What are you going to tell him?"

"I don't know. I haven't even figured out what I'm going to tell you."

Ned didn't help him out this time. He kept his arms folded and raised his eyebrows slightly.

_Well, you'd better figure it out quickly._

"I'm sorry. You know that, right? It sounds stupid, but I had to say it. I don't why I-"

He started to reach for Ned's arm, but stopped himself. He saw Ned look at the ground in confused disappointment, but he knew he had too much to say to get distracted. The truth was, he knew exactly why he'd acted the way he had.

"I just don't want it to sound like I'm making excuses, okay? I know the way I treated you was- I won't make excuses because I can't. There aren't any; but, Ned, I want to tell about someone. I want you to know why I was scared, why I ran away."

He explained everything. He told him about Grace, from the gap in her teeth to her pigtails, and the night he came out to her before anyone else, and the day his parents decided to send him to Paris – the last time he saw her. He could see Ned's shoulders dropping as he talked through the lump in his throat. His guard was gradually coming down as it all fell into place, his reluctance to care, his fear of letting people in, and it made sense, but it didn't make it okay.

Ned reached up hesitantly to wipe a tear from Sebastian's cheek with his sleeve. He was sniffing too, but he'd had a head start as far as crying went.

"I still write to her, Ned. I write every week, and every week it comes back to me, and I remember all over again, and-"

A light flickered on in the corner of his eye. They both turned to look at the building and almost every window but Ned's was lit up, a face in each one watching them, captivated. They both let out a single laugh; it was hardly surprising. The other boys were almost as invested in this – whatever it was – as they were; sometimes more so. Sebastian sniffed and gulped, feeling painfully aware of every movement he made and the fact that his nose was running and that he was incredibly vulnerable. Ned took pity on him and reached out to squeeze his elbow, and Sebastian heaved a sigh of relief as the distance between them finally closed.

"Could we, uh," his eyes kept flicking down to the ground, no matter how hard he tried to look at Ned, "could we go inside? I mean, I won't try to-"

Ned didn't say anything. He just nodded at Sebastian, then toward the door. Seb smiled appreciatively and went in, giving an embarrassed, apologetic look to the boys at the windows. Ned looked up at them, spotting Nick and Jeff in Nick's room; Jeff's room was on the other side of the building, but Ned could imagine him hammering on every door on this side as soon as he heard what was happening until someone let him in. They both looked concerned, but Ned gave them a nod. He had this.

They kept quiet in the corridors. They knew dozens of ears would be pressed against the doors, anxious to hear what was happening. They smiled coyly at each other, both flattered that everyone cared that much. Admittedly, the school was somewhat gossip-starved, but there was nothing but good intent behind their interest. When they got to his room, Sebastian put his hand on the small of Ned's back without thinking. He jerked it away.

"Sorry-"

"No, it's- just- come in."

It was bizarre being back in Ned's room. He hadn't been in here since he'd crept out of it. He stood awkwardly between the door and the bed, ignoring the flashes in his mind of Ned kissing him and pulling at his shirt and somehow going from that shy kid in his class to someone more adult, more understanding than anyone, and he hadn't wanted to ruffle his hair or punch him playfully on the shoulder or study genetically modified pigs and make stupid jokes. He remembered that in that moment he'd wanted nothing more than for Ned to keep kissing him, to touch him and stroke him and press their bodies together. Now he wanted both sides of that. He wanted to feel Ned's skin close to his, but he still wanted to hear his voice and his laugh and see him smiling.

_Oh, Christ. You're not even saying it out loud, and you sound like a dork. Say something that'll matter._

"You can sit down if you want to."

Sebastian shook his head. He felt awful just looking at that bed.

"I'll stand. Thanks."

There was yet another pause. Ned took pity on him and tried to prompt him.

"So… what made you come back?"

"I don't know."

"Oh. Okay."

Pause. Ned sat on the chair at his desk, swivelling it around to face Sebastian.

"Well-"

Ned looked up hopefully.

"It's stupid."

"Stupider than you standing in my room not saying anything?"

"Good point. I just- I was sitting at the airport, staring at this straight couple, and normally I'd just be confused because why, you know, girls and stuff, but she was sleeping on his shoulder and holding his hand, and he didn't let go even though he kept dropping his book-"

"Sebastian-"

"And it was just like me and Grace; I would have done anything to keep her from waking up, to save her from anything bad, but in the end, I couldn't win. She woke up and I had to leave, and I thought, why, why didn't I just wait for you to wake up? I let go of your hand and you woke up and I was gone and I thought it would be easier if I didn't have to see, I wanted you to wake up, not just that morning, but from all of it, I wanted you to see what I'm like. I thought maybe if I screwed it up on purpose it would be better than screwing it up later by accident."

"Seb-"

Sebastian took a step towards him, picking up his hands and squeezing them until his fingers started to turn white. Now that he'd started talking, however inarticulately, he couldn't stop.

"I know, this isn't making any sense and I sound so stupid, but I wanted to choose. I wanted to stay in control over what kind of fuck up you saw, but I saw that guy with his girlfriend sleeping on his shoulder, and he didn't mind that he wasn't in control of his book; actually he seemed really happy, and the only time I've been happy, really felt good about everything since I left home, it was when I was with you. When we were studying or when you were looking after me when I was drunk, or when you brought me coffee and kissed me even though I think I'd thrown up, all of it felt good even though I was losing control. Maybe I don't mind losing control if it's with you."

Ned was dumb struck. His hands were going to go into spasm is Sebastian held them any tighter. That was a lot of rambling emotion to take in at once. He shook his head slightly, trying to process everything.

"Seb, I- I-"

"But Ned, do you know what I was doing before I came here? Before I started, you know, hanging out with you? I just kept going out, finding the dumbest guys I could get my hands on and sleeping with them. I forced myself not to give a shit, and I kept pretending to be somebody different every night." He blushed, realise how pathetic it sounded, but it was too late to stop now. "I literally made people up and started scoring as them instead, and I told myself it was because it was more of a challenge, but maybe that wasn't it. Maybe I just didn't want to be me anymore, because it's fucking exhausting, and honestly I thought you were like them. I thought you were the guys I was pretending to be, all innocent and needy and, and then you liked me without me pretending me to be anyone else or playing any games, and-"

"What? You- you thought I was like-"

"No!" Sebastian's voice was even shakier now, cracking with every other syllable. He knelt down in front of Ned so he was looking up at him, his eyes brimming. "No, Ned, you're not- I'm trying to tell you that I was wrong."

Ned wanted to say something, anything, to get him off his knees and stop him looking at him like that, he wanted to grab him and forgive him and take the tremors out of his voice and tell him it was all okay, but he couldn't move. Breathing was difficult enough. Seb was staring at their hands now, incapable of looking at Ned's face. His voice was barely a whisper.

"I… I'm not smart enough for that, Ned. I'm not even close. I could never have made up a boy like you."

He finally stopped talking. It felt like he'd been going for hours. Ned was dumbstruck. Sebastian still wasn't looking at him. His head fell slowly onto his hands, which were clutching onto Ned's and balanced on his knees. The last twenty four hours finally caught up with him and he stayed there, crouched at Ned's feet for what must have been five minutes. Ned heard a cough from outside, followed by a swift slapping noise and an 'Ow!' He almost laughed, but all he could concentrate on was the head on his lap, shaking slightly, overwhelmed with exhaustion. He realised just how rare it must be for Sebastian to be that honest for that long, and it made sense that he would be tired. He tugged one hand free from Seb's grip, making Sebastian tense up and stop breathing but he still couldn't look up.

Ned slowly, tentatively, put his hand on Sebastian's head. His hair was limp and cool and Ned stroked it soothingly. Sebastian flinched a little, half expecting Ned to throw him out or just stare at him blankly, but when he lifted his head up he saw that he was smiling. Ned was smiling at him. That alone was enough to make him breathe a sigh of relief, although it came out more like a sob. Ned almost laughed, but instead he slid his hand down from Sebastian's hair to rest his palm on his cheek, their cool skin warming as they touched. He took a deep breath as he took everything in, Sebastian's words, his face, the spasmodic rhythm of his breathing gradually slowing down, and he leaned in, pressing their lips together.

It shouldn't have been so easy to fit together again; they hadn't exactly done this much in the first place, but they'd seen each other almost every day since September and it was as if they'd been doing it with every smile and laugh and study session. Sebastian's hands moves from Ned's knees to graze up his thighs, holding onto his hips as he slipped lightly off the chair and onto the floor next to him, looping his arms around his neck. Sebastian instinctively nipped at Ned's bottom lip before drawing back. Was that too much? Had he earned the right to-

He saw Ned grinning at him.

"What?"

"You know, you can kiss me properly if you want to."

Sebastian didn't have time to smile back before Ned was pushing him against the foot of the bed, one hand still over his shoulder while the other clutched at his waist, humming into his mouth. He let his tongue explore Sebastian's before coaxing him to do the same, and everything was a blur of hands and tongues and teeth and Seb was gasping, not just because of what Ned was doing, but also from the relief that he wanted to do it, and he kissed him back just as hard.

Ned finally pulled back, leaving Seb gasping against the bed, staring at him with heavy, lidded eyes. They sat side by side, leaning back against the end of the bed and trying to catch their breath. Ned closed his eyes, searching for Seb's hand and tangling their fingers together.

"Do you mind if we don't-"

Sebastian closed his eyes as well and leaned his head on Ned's shoulder.

"No, of course not. Actually, I don't think I can; I can barely…" he yawned loudly, "move."

Ned opened his eyes for a moment, just to smile at him and kiss the top of his head before resting his cheek on it.

"Long night. And it's-" he looked at the clock on the wall, "almost five. Maybe you… I mean, you could go back to your room if you want, but you _could_ just-"

Sebastian turned towards him, eyes still closed, and laid an arm over Ned's stomach. He nuzzled into his neck, making him squirm and laugh.

"Yes please. Don't wanna go."

"I know; you don't have to go anywhere. It's okay."

Sebastian managed to haul his head up again to look at Ned, but he was so tired he ended up leaning forward into another messy kiss, their noses rubbing together.

"Ned," he whispered into Ned's mouth just as a hand came up to support his jaw, "I… I don't know if I can do this, okay?"

Ned raised an eyebrow.

"Excuse me?"

"No, wait, I'm not, I don't- I'm not going back on it. I'm not going to disappear again, I just-"

Ned smiled and kissed him on the nose.

"I know what you meant."

He blushed.

"It's just that I've never… but you're the first person who's made me want to try. I really want to try for you."

Ned stroked his head until it landed, eyes closed, back on his shoulder. He shushed him quietly.

He knew he probably should have got them both up off the floor and onto the bed, but he was happy enough where he was and Sebastian looked peaceful for the first time in weeks. He started to snore softly, making Ned smile almost smugly.

"You can, by the way. You can do anything."

Ned didn't know if he'd heard him, but he felt Sebastian's fingers tighten around his waist.

The common room was practically vibrating with excitement.

All they knew was that Sebastian was back and that he and Ned hadn't emerged from Ned's room since early that morning. None of them had slept well, at first because they felt bad for Ned, later because they knew he'd gone out in the middle of night, and finally because they were too busy trying to listen in on whatever was happening after Sebastian arrived. They were manic enough on a normal day, but without sleep they were delirious.

"I'm telling you," Trent whined at the others who had been begging for details, as his room was next to Ned's, "all I heard was muffled talking then quiet. Even if I did hear anything, it doesn't change the fact that I am a _gentleman_, and wouldn't tell you a _thing_."

That didn't have the effect he was hoping for.

"I knew it! You heard everything! Did they fight?"

"Did they make up?"

"Did they make out?"

Trent gasped indignantly.

"Jeff!"

"What? We were all thinking it-"

He was drowned out by a hundred questions, aimed as much at each other as at Trent, until there was a small cough at the door. Only Wes noticed the two boys standing in the doorway staring in confusion and amazement at the chaos in the common room.

"Guys," they ignored him until he put on his 'Head Warbler' voice, "_Guys!_"

They turned sharply to look at him (they were so well trained, Wes couldn't help smirking) and then they flicked their heads to the door.

Ned and Sebastian wished they could have been surprised, but this was exactly the reaction they'd been expecting. Ned almost burst out laughing when he suddenly remembered that this was the exact kind of inclusion he'd been hoping for when he'd auditioned, and now he was at the middle of it.

They both looked like hell; they had dark lines under their eyes and their clothes had obviously been pulled on in a hurry. Sebastian was in street clothes, jeans and a dark blue v neck sweater, while Ned was in some dishevelled version of his uniform. He was hopeless enough at tying his tie on a full night's sleep.

They froze along with everyone else, taken aback by the contrast between hysteria and silence. For a moment they stared at the others with blank expressions, leaving them in doubt for as long as possible (why shouldn't they have a little fun with them?) before smiling sheepishly. They glanced at each other and Sebastian reached an open hand towards Ned. Ned looked back at the others for a second. Jeff was squeezing Nick's knee, Nick was gripping onto David's arm, David was clinging to the table he was sitting on to try and alleviate some of the pain from the fingers digging into his bicep. Everyone seemed to have stopped breathing. They were terrible at pretending they hadn't been trying to listen.

Ned grinned at them before taking a deep breath and taking Sebastian's hand in his.

Just when they thought the Warblers could never surprise them, they did. They remained silent. Their eyes were all a little wider, they were all beaming, but nobody said anything for almost a minute. Ned and Sebastian glanced nervously at each other. Sebastian frowned and shook his head slightly (_any idea what's going on?_) and Ned shrugged back (_no clue_) before turning back to his classmates.

"Guys… did we miss something?"

That seemed to snap out of their stupor – _he said 'we'_.

Jeff was the first one to break their silence with a single word.

"FUCK!"

Even Wes didn't scold him, and everyone rushed towards the door, jumping on Ned and Sebastian. They were drowned by 'I was rooting for you guys' and 'you had us worried there' and 'seriously, how is he in the sack? (Jeff to Ned)' and they were helpless. Sebastian didn't even notice that they were finally talking to him. He just kept holding onto Ned's hand, letting his thumb roam over his knuckles and squeezing tightly so they couldn't get pulled apart. Despite the crowd swarming around them, they managed to bob their heads up enough to keep smiling at each other.


	19. Chapter 19

The day was half wonderful, half torture.

Everyone swapped seats in every class so the boys could sit together, and the teachers were so busy dealing with everyone else's excitement that they didn't move them. Every time Ned and Sebastian so much as looked at each other, someone would gasp or giggle or just shout 'Yeah!' (Jeff), so that they would blush and stare at their desk. In English they were just reading through the final scene of Measure for Measure, and while Thad and Trent made asses of themselves playing all the characters between the two of them. The professor tried to explain that the play was set in Vienna, not Texas, and could they _please_ drop the accents and take this seriously, while Ned and Sebastian's forearms lay side by side on the table, little fingers brushing together. David elbowed Wes and nodded toward them. He grinned, but nudged him back and told him to concentrate.

Biology, Geometry, French, every lesson was the same. They sat together, frozen, feeling the eyes of every student burning holes in their blazers. They smiled to themselves, secretly proud to have caused such a fuss and to have a whole class rooting for them, but after the seclusion and privacy of the previous night it was a big contrast. They wanted to hold hands and whisper stupid in jokes and press those thoughtless, easy kisses to each other's shoulders, but they were scared of being applauded of cheered or kicked out of class. The school was anti-bullying and tolerant of all orientations, but if they started any kind of riot just by being the Warblers' favourite couple they'd never live it down. As much as they appreciated the veritable barrage of support, they just wanted to be alone again for a while so they could breathe.

Ned managed to catch Nick before practise, trying not to giggle with excitement at the smile stuck on Ned's face.

"What's up? You look tired."

"You have no idea. I only got a couple of hours' sleep last night- because we were talking. Late. You know it was late."

"Oh, trust me. I know."

"You're as bad as Jeff. Listen, I just wondered if it would be okay if we ducked out of practise today? I can barely stand." Nick's eyes widened and his mouth started to open for some innuendo to spill out, but Ned cut him off. "I'm so tired I could pass out any second. Mind out of the gutter, please. So, is that alright?"

Nick nodded.

"Sure. We'll be fine; we assumed you'd be too busy making gooey eyes at each other anyway-"

"Nick! We're not going to be like that. We-"

Nick grinned.

"We."

"Yes, Nick. We. We just need to catch up on some sleep, but we'll see you tomorrow. Okay?"

He nodded again, squeezing Ned's shoulder encouragingly. Ned took a deep breath and smiled in thanks before heading up to his room, texting Seb as he went.

From Ned: 'They'll manage without us. Get some sleep. X'

From Seb: 'But how will I manage without you? X'

From Seb: 'I'd like to take that back, please. It was gross. I'm tired. Talk to you later x'

Ned smiled at the screen, letting it fade to black. He slipped into his room, leaning back against the door as he closed it. He took a few slow, deep breaths with his eyes closed and lay on his bed. His eyelids felt heavy, but no matter how long he kept them closed, he couldn't get to sleep. His stomach was still fluttering and he was still smiling and he kept playing everything back in his mind: Sebastian blushing and laughing and brushing his hands over Ned's waist and smiling, more than last week, even more than when they were just friends, joining in with everyone's jokes without trying to pretend he wasn't enjoying himself. Ned remembered him shuffling his feet when he went to speak to the headmistress about staying and his sigh of relief when she said she'd smooth things over with his father, and his voice shaking slightly when he called the airline to ask about getting his luggage back. He hesitated before dropping his father's name, but grinned when the surly man on the phone panicked and said he'd do everything he could. Every second of the day was flashing through Ned's mind, stopping him from sleeping. As he screwed his eyes closed a little tighter, he heard a gentle, almost inaudible knock at the door.

"Yeah?"

Sebastian pushed the door open and poked his head in.

"Can't sleep either?"

Ned shook his head.

"It's too quiet."

He jerked his head, signalling for Sebastian to join him. He was in a loose, beige t-shirt and grey sweatpants, and he looked vulnerable and sleepy. He flopped onto the bed, wrapping himself around his boyfriend (for once the word wasn't setting off alarm bells in his head) and nuzzling against his neck. He found out he liked being the big spoon. It wasn't because it gave him any kind of dominance, but because it let him smell Ned's hair, feel his warm back against his chest, and give in to the protective urge he always had around him. That night in Scandals he'd been so scared that something terrible would happen to him, and now he could hold him, feel Ned's arms close over his, and make sure nothing would hurt him. He knew Ned had had to look after him so many times, constantly being right and knowing him so well and calling him out for being an idiot, but this wasn't about confusion or complicated emotions he had just come to terms with. It was primal and physical and so wonderfully simple.

The room didn't get any less quiet with him in it, but Ned found his presence, his desire to sleep next to him, peaceful. Their breathing synchronised, they were asleep in seconds.

It was dark when Ned woke up smiling.

A tiny part of him had worried that there would be no arms around him, no pulse thudding softly against his back, no nose tickling his ear, but it was all there. Instead of a cold space next to him in his bed, there was a boy wrapped around him, showing no signs of letting go. Sebastian had stayed.

The arms crossed over his stomach squeezed gently.

"Morning," Sebastian muttered, his eyes still closed, smiling against Ned's skin.

Ned glanced at the faint light of his alarm clock.

"It's ten p.m."

"Close enough."

Ned turned his head to look at him and his body followed automatically, lining up with Sebastian's, whose hand slid down to the small of his back. He nestled into his hold, scooting his body as close as possible without breaking eye contact. Sebastian smiled and kissed his forehead. He smiled back, before becoming suddenly coy, looking down at his chest and tentatively stroking the fabric of his shirt. Sebastian frowned and tilted his head to look at Ned.

"What's up?"

Ned mumbled a quiet 'nothing', trying to hide his face as he started to blush.

"Hey," Sebastian whispered, reaching for Ned's chin to lift his head up, "I know you're normally the one who understands everything, but I'm not a complete idiot. What's wrong?"

"It's stupid."

"Tell me."

"Well, that's it. It's like this whole time I've been, I dunno, telling you what to do. I don't want it to be like that. It's like you've done all this for me, like you've changed for me, and what have I done for you?"

Sebastian almost laughed.

"Right. You just keep taking. God, Ned, talk about _selfish_."

Ned shoved him with his whole body, rolling against him, nearly sending them both toppling from the small bed. Sebastian couldn't hold his laughter in anymore, and Ned started to join in before abruptly stopping himself. Sebastian took a deep breath and put on his best serious face, but he was still smiling a little.

"I'm serious. I don't want you to become…" he nodded towards Seb's hand on his waist, "_this,_ just because you think it's what I want."

Sebastian's smile faded slightly.

"Well… Isn't it? You do want this, don't you?"

He didn't even try to hide the note of panic in his voice. Ned finally looked into his eyes properly and he relaxed again.

"Of course I do, I didn't mean- I just want to do this because you want to. I don't want to be the guy that, like, broke you or forced you to be something you weren't-"

Sebastian made Ned stop talking the only way he knew would work, pressing their lips together. They were suddenly alone in darkness and silence, just two boys and a kiss.

"Ned," he mumbled when he eventually made himself pull back, his voice a little darker as he took a deep breath to clear the fog from his head, the fog he never thought someone like Ned could create. "You've never forced anything. That's what I love about you. All you've done is be honest, and you've made me strong enough to do the same. I don't have to do anything because I'm angry or because I've got something to prove or- I'm here because I want to be. Because I couldn't sleep without you today, no matter how exhausted I was."

Ned was smiling sheepishly at him.

"Did you say love?"

Sebastian paused and nodded.

"You didn't break me, Ned. You fixed me. You saved me. Whatever you did, I want you to keep doing it, and I want to do the same for you."

"But you've already done so much, and I just need you to know that I know, that I appreciate it and I know it's not easy, but I-"

Sebastian kissed him, unable to stop himself, and they both suddenly had a lot more energy.

"I know," he kissed him again, "I know you do," and again, "and it is easy;" again, "everything's easy with you." He kissed him more slowly, sucking in a breath through his nose and cupping Ned's cheek. He only dragged his lips away to whisper "I mean it Ned; I do love you."

Ned nodded, equally breathless.

"I love you too. Did I say that?"

Sebastian smiled and nodded, answering with his lips still touching Ned's.

"I believe you yelled it at me outside a gay bar."

"Right," another kiss, "good. That counts. Love you."

Sebastian's response was reduced to a groan which Ned swallowed eagerly, slipping his thumb under the waistband of Sebastian's pants to stroke at his hipbone. He could feel his dick twitch in spite of the thick fabric covering it, and he noticed his own erection as it strained in his trousers without his permission.

Sebastian grinned mischievously, but gave Ned a concerned glance, as if he was asking for permission, making sure he was okay, that he wanted this too, and he nodded as they kept kissing, giving him the green light.

Ned's shirt was already riding up and Sebastian stroked over his stomach with the backs of his fingers. It was soft and pliant under his touch, fluttering when he skimmed lightly over his abdomen and kissed his neck. Ned shivered and a moan escaped his lips, a whisper of air brushing Sebastian's earlobe. The sound and the sensation was enough to make Sebastian's hips jerk forward, pushing their crotches together until they were both grinding aimlessly, blind and lost in friction. Ned laid a palm over Sebastian's chest and swallowed, shaking his head slightly. Sebastian tried hopelessly to catch his breath.

"Do you wanna stop-"

Ned shook his head more firmly.

"No, _God_ no, I just, we should, um-"

Sebastian took the hint. As tempting as it was just to keep rutting clumsily against each other, they'd gone through too much to let this moment go so quickly.

Ned fumbled with the buttons on his shirt hastily while Sebastian slipped his own off in one smooth movement. He shifted on the bed, sitting up and kneeling between Ned's legs. He slid his hands under him, resuming their position on the small of his back and pulling him up so he was almost upright, before lifting him so he could lean back on the headboard. He took Ned's trembling hands in his own, calming them, and kissed him while unbuttoning his shirt for him. He laid soft kisses across Ned's chest as more skin was revealed and Ned's fingers buried themselves in Sebastian's hair.

Within seconds, Ned was shrugging his shirt off, letting it drift to the floor, while Sebastian started to unbuckle his belt, still kissing at the soft swell of his stomach and down into the curve between his hips. Ned tightened his lips to hold in a whimper as he felt the material of his underwear move over his already sensitive skin, making Sebastian chuckle against his hip. As the sound sent vibrations cascading over him, he convulsed against Sebastian and his grip tightened in his hair.

Sebastian gave up on being careful, and wrenched the layers away, freeing Ned's cock. As the air hit him, harsh and cold, Ned gasped loudly so Sebastian had to kneel up and kiss him to keep him quiet. Dalton was tolerant, but noisy dorm sex wasn't exactly encouraged. They both smiled into the kiss, and Ned couldn't have planned it better. Sebastian fumbled with his sweatpants, and Ned eased them over his ass, taking advantage of the opportunity to knead into the smooth expanse of flesh, pulling Sebastian closer and thrusting their now bare erections together again. Keeping quiet became impossible and they both groaned and swore under their breath. Their chests slipped as they kissed and rutted, throwing their timing off, and just as Sebastian started to stroke Ned's cock and he jerked forwards, his pants tangled around his thighs and he lost his balance.

"Oh, Christ; hang on-"

He shifted down on the bed, determined not to leave it, and rolled around on his back as he struggled to pull his pants off completely. When he managed to sit up again, he found that Ned had done the same and was kneeling up, smirking at him.

"Don't you dare laugh at me-"

Ned proved that he had no intention of laughing by putting both hands on Sebastian's face and kissing him slowly, their smiles dropping and their erections just touching. They held each other for a moment, their breathing hard and erratic, making sure their bodies were firmly pressed together, staying as close as possible. Sebastian stroked down Ned's back, from his shoulder blades to his ass, across his hip and taking a gentle hold of his cock. Ned's head fell against Sebastian's shoulder and he kissed his collar bone clumsily, unable to focus and Sebastian stroked him, keeping one hand on his back so he wouldn't collapse. He groaned as Ned sucked into the hollow by his neck and he started to grind involuntarily against Ned's hip. His hand was already slick with precome, both his and Ned's, and he allowed his hand to drift back toward Ned's ass, rolling his hand over a cheek before letting his fingers trail between them. He slowly inched towards his entrance, eliciting a moan and a shudder when he finally circled the muscle with his fingertip.

Ned's entire body became heavy as Sebastian's finger lingered over his hole and if he'd had any control over his body he'd have pushed down on it for some relief. Sebastian finally lay him on the bed, kissing him sweetly across his jaw and behind his ear and inserting a finger, slowly and deliberately, holding an arm over Ned's stomach to stop him from grinding down onto it.

He drew his head back for a moment to take in the boy underneath him and he realised why he'd found himself insisting on Ned topping before. He hadn't trusted himself. He'd known he was going to hurt him later, and part of him hadn't wanted to be active. He'd wanted just to let it happen. Even when they were together, even when Ned was looking so trusting and worried about him, he was already trying to distance himself, but this time he felt so much more at ease. He knew Ned had never done this before, and now he felt ready to be the one to guide him through it. As Ned leaned up to capture his mouth again, already missing that contact, Sebastian found that for the first time he desperately wanted to make it good for Ned. With the countless other boys and men his only concern had been his own climax. He got what he wanted and it was over, but now he had to make sure, no matter what, that Ned was happy and safe and enjoying it as much as he was.

He let Ned kiss him, and kissed him back, gently inserting another finger. Ned's hips jerked against his arm, but he held him firmly, giving him another subtle questioning look. The boy nodded again and kissed him, unable to keep his eyes open, wrapping his hands around Seb's neck. Sebastian kept pushing his fingers in and out of him, loosening his hold over his torso to let him squirm beneath him. He immediately started fucking down onto his hand, panting and whispering that he wanted more, needed more, and Sebastian added a third finger and lowered his kisses down Ned's chest. He finally came to his cock, red and hard and begging for relief. He used the very tip of his tongue to lick gradually up the shaft, making Ned cry out and grab onto the pillow behind him just so he wouldn't delve his fingers into Sebastian's hair and push him down.

Sebastian eagerly started to suck on the head, another thing he was less than practised in, as he continued to stretch Ned open with his fingers. It was too much and Ned writhed helplessly on the mattress, sweat beading on his forehead and trickling down his temples, and as his knuckles whitened from his firm grasp of the pillow, Sebastian moved back up to his face. He kissed him, letting Ned taste himself on his tongue, and used his free hand to stroke Ned's arm until he reached his hand. He twisted their fingers together and put both of their hands on his own cheek. He pulled his hand away and gave Ned's a gentle nudge towards his hair.

"I don't mind," he whispered in his ear, kissing him again to let Ned get a firm grip then returning his attention to his crotch. He took more into his mouth each time he sank over him, carefully swallowing around him. Ned's hips, now free to move, thrust roughly upwards whilst his hands pushed on the back of Sebastian's head, and he managed to suppress his gag reflex for a couple of seconds. As the muscles at the back of Seb's throat squeezed around Ned's cock, and his own muscles clenched around Sebastian's fingers, he let out a moan even louder than before, making Sebastian hum with satisfaction. The vibration and the feeling of Seb smiling into his skin almost sent Ned over the edge, so he pulled the head of auburn hair up so he could catch his breath.

"Stop- I don't- not like-"

"Okay," Seb mumbled, "okay, I've got you, it's fine. We can just- for a second-"

They both wheezed out a laugh as they tried to slow things down, kissing again more gently, and Ned reached into the drawer of his nightstand for a condom. He decided not to mention the fact that his mother had sent them 'just in case'.

"But I don't have any-"

"It's okay; I mean, I'll go slowly and, uh, we're both kind of-" he gestured to his hand, covered in a fair amount of pre-come, "but if you want me go get some-"

Ned shook his head.

"I don't want you to go."

Sebastian kissed him.

"We can stop whenever you want, okay? Tell me if it hurts."

He nodded and ripped the foil packet open, his hands trembling as he fumbled with the condom. Sebastian started to stroke himself slowly, rubbing the drops forming around the head down the shaft and covering Ned's hands with his own as he rolled it on. He kissed him again, whispering 'it's okay,' between soft pecks. He let Ned get settled with his back on the pillows and leaned over him, kissing him over and over, telling him how much he wanted him, how much he wanted to make him happy, how crazy he was about him. All Ned could do was nod and whimper as Sebastian started jerking him off again as he lined up the head of his cock with Ned's entrance.

"Slowly, yeah?"

Sebastian nodded.

"I promise. Whatever you want, just tell me."

"Okay. Now."

Sebastian used his free hand to steady himself on the mattress, kissing Ned almost painfully softly as he started to push inside him. Ned's arms found their place around Sebastian's neck again, and his legs mirrored the movement around his waist. Seb became an anchor, a weight on top of him that wasn't so much pushing him down as it was grounding him, stopping him from floating away completely, the only thing connecting his mind with reality. It hurt, but in the best way, and every time Sebastian caught him biting his lip he whispered 'I've got you' and kissed his cheek or his forehead or the side of his nose. Ned's eyes were screwed up, expecting some burst of pain, some sudden shocking thrust that didn't happen. Sebastian was beyond careful not to hurt him, and by the time he'd buried himself inside Ned he was panting again from the strain. Everything in his body was screaming at him to move, but he held back until Ned was ready. He kept still, letting Ned get used to the stretch, before he heard him croak a quiet 'okay; move'.

He gave up on propping himself up, deciding to wrap both arms around Ned instead, and he felt so real, so _there_, that it made Ned feel safer. He moved slowly, only pulling out a little before rolling his hips back in, and the movement became gradually easier. Ned's body started to relax, and Sebastian reached up to stroke his hair. He nudged it out of his eyes with his nose, catching his eye to make sure he was okay, and he nodded whispered '_oh God_,' and '_you feel so good_', trying to reassure Ned that he was doing everything right.

He pulled back, bringing Ned with him, until they were upright, Sebastian on his knees with Ned straddling him, legs still clamped firmly around his waist. He shifted forward so he could hold onto the headboard and started to swivel his hips ever so slightly, letting Ned enjoy the friction without risk of pushing too hard or getting carried away and thrusting more than he meant to. His cock was aching for more, but he kept a steady rhythm and let Ned move as much as he wanted. Even if he thought he was going to explode, he was determined to do this properly.

He felt Ned's hips grind down onto him with the same determination. Apparently they were equally desperate to make this as good as possible.

"Ned, you know you don't have to-"

Ned's only response was a groan; and Sebastian breathed out a '_fuck'_ as Ned kissed his neck and moved more and more eagerly. Ned let a single laugh escape his lips, because Sebastian had finally stopped being scared of hurting him. It still wasn't pain free, but as their hips found a matching, rolling rhythm, it felt good enough for him not to care. He fucked himself down onto Sebastian just as he had with his fingers, the feeling of stretching and fullness overwhelming him, and he dropped one hand down from his neck to start stroking himself.

The sight of Ned so lost, his eyes dark and his mouth hanging open, was almost too much for Sebastian and he thrust upwards mindlessly. Ned moaned '_yes'_ and worked himself faster, riding Seb and jerking off in time. Seb took his reaction as a signal that he was free to go on, knowing Ned would tell him if he wanted to stop, and tightened his grip around his waist so he could push into him harder, faster, desperately. All Ned could do was nod with approval as everywhere became more sensitive, his whole body on fire, something in his chest glowing as a spasm flowed through him.

He started to tense up, and as he tightened around Sebastian they both started to groan and whisper half sentences to each other. Their rhythm was gone but they didn't care as they clung to each other, breathing harsh and kissing passionately. Ned froze, coiled around Sebastian, as he came so much harder than he had before, dizzy and happy and so, so safe, and Sebastian followed quickly after, clawing gently at Ned's back. They kept trying to whisper to each other, tried to find the perfect words, but all they could do was kiss messily in a light-headed haze. Their lips had barely locked together when they finally started breathing again, both collapsing in a tangled heap of limbs.

Ned ran a hand over his face, almost embarrassed to have been that caught up in the moment, so turned on that he'd ridden Seb shamelessly. He wanted to laugh at himself, at both of them, at the fact that twenty four hours ago they weren't even speaking. Sebastian's arm looped around his shoulders, pulling him close and kissing his head. Ned linked their fingers and rested their hands on his stomach. Sebastian ran his thumb over the skin as it rose and fell rapidly, baffled that something so simple could make him so happy.

Ned wasn't exactly 'built', but the way he'd been so eager, wanted him so badly, it was hot; it was gorgeous. The look of unabashed need in his eyes was one of the sexiest things he'd ever seen, and already Ned looked so completely innocent and adorable and pure again. He was used to smirks and sneers and the rushed zipping up of jeans; he'd come to expect some feeling of shame after sex, but here he was, lying next to his best friend, utterly blissful. He reached up and kissed Ned's head again and again, making him giggle, before cupping his cheek with his hand and looking into his eyes.

"Ned, I just- you're- you-"

Ned kissed him, knowing he was in no fit state to say anything as profound as he wanted.

"I'm really glad you didn't go to Paris."

He smiled an unapologetically cheesy smile.

"I'm glad you stopped me."


	20. Chapter 20

Their palms slid against each other as Sebastian's hand got more and more clammy, but that only made Ned's fingers grip onto his more firmly. They were in Sebastian's car, but Ned had insisted on driving. He didn't have to insist; Sebastian knew he was in no fit state to operate heavy machinery. They both stared at the grand, red brick house in front of them. There were no cars in front of it, but a light was on upstairs. She was home alone. Sebastian's fingers curled around the box on his lap in annoyance that they would leave her on her own, that they probably did every day, even though she was only ten, but he knew if they'd been there he'd be screwed.

"I can't."

"Yes you can. Just go."

"I can't just-"

"Yes you can."

"But what if they-"

"They're not. Go."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No. Go."

"You're finding it a tiny bit funny though, right?"

Ned paused. He couldn't help smiling. Even he hadn't seen this side of Sebastian before. His jaw was trembling and he couldn't keep still, fingers tugging at his sleeves.

"It's cute."

"It's gross. It's pathetic."

"It means you care. Caring is good, remember?"

Sebastian tore his gaze away from the building and smiled at Ned sheepishly.

"Mmm. Sometimes. Sometimes it's awful." He glanced down at the box, stroking the lid with his thumb. He took a couple of deep breaths. "I don't want to-"

"You don't want to wait another three years; I agree. Come on."

"You don't have to-"

"Yes I do. Out."

Ned had managed to distract him the whole way there. They'd listened to music, thought about which songs the Warblers could do for Regionals, but as they got closer he got more nervous. He stared at the house again.

"It's weird doing this in front of someone. I usually panic in private."

"And isn't it easier having someone to absorb some of it?"

"No. It's embarrassing. I hate it. I hate you. I hate your stupid face. Now can we break up and get out of here?"

"She'll remember you."

There was a heavy pause, full of anxiety.

"What if she doesn't? Three years, Ned. She hasn't seen me for three years."

"She's _missed_ _you_ for three years. Trust me, Sebastian; you're not easy to forget." Sebastian huffed out a breath through his nose. Of course Ned had to keep being adorable, even now. "Okay, I'm going in. If you don't come with me, it's going to look weird."

Ned opened the door and hopped out, landing on the ground with a bounce. He grinned at Sebastian before strolling toward the house as if he hadn't a care in the world. If he hadn't been so small and innocent-looking, he would've looked like a psychopath. Sebastian scrambled out of his seat, almost dropping the shoebox and its contents, running after Ned and grabbing his hand. He spun around to face him, his face transformed from maniacal grin to steadfast smile. He squeezed Seb's hand.

"I-"

Ned reached up to kiss his cheek. When he pulled away, Sebastian was shaking his head. Ned nodded and pulled him up the path. His fingertips turned white as he gripped onto the box. They finally reached the door and Ned let go of his hand, nodding at the doorbell. Sebastian's jaw tightened when he saw it. He took a deep breath and pressed it.

Silence.

"See? She's not here. Forget it-"

A figure moved behind the frosted glass. They heard feet shuffling. Ned's eyes widened and he glared at Sebastian, mouthing 'is that her?' but Sebastian didn't answer. He'd frozen. His free hand pressed against the door. The girl on the other side moved closer. Ned watched silently as Sebastian swallowed hard and knelt down to open the letterbox. He pushed the flap up and spoke into the space.

"Grace? Gracie, it's me. It's Bash. Can you let me in?"

She crept closer and knelt at the door. Her eyes were level with the letterbox. Sebastian lowered his head until their eyes met. They stayed there for a few seconds, their eyes watering, scared to blink, their breathing quickening. When she finally spoke, her voice was small, smaller than he'd ever heard it before. She sounded hurt.

"I'm not allowed. Mom said not to let strangers in."

Sebastian gasped, the wind knocked out of him. He felt Ned's hand on his shoulder, offering all the support he could. He shook his head in disbelief. He knew this could happen, but he never thought it actually would. He had no idea it would hurt so much.

"Strangers? Gracie, no, it's me, it's Sebastian, your brother. I've got something to show you. It's really important. I've been trying to- Mom's just- please-"

Even through the tiny gap in the door, he could see her frowning. Her eyes were glistening. She shook her head. His face fell, his forehead landing against the door with a thud. Ned crouched next to him.

"Grace?" Her eyes narrowed again. "My name's Ned. Sebastian's told me all about you. He really misses you."

"Ned, you don't have to-"

Grace piped up, her voice a little lighter.

"He does?"

Sebastian looked up again, almost breathless.

"Yes, Grace, of course I do. You're my baby sister; I missed you every day. Let me show you. Anyway," he glanced to the boy at his side with a grin, "Ned's dying to meet you. Please?"

She frowned again, breathing slowly and deliberately. She stood up and Sebastian shivered as he heard the click of the door being unlocked. It opened to reveal Grace, much taller than Sebastian remembered, her hair a mess. Sebastian smiled inwardly, pleased that she still didn't let their mother do it for her. The sleeve of her school sweater was unravelling and her shoes were scuffed. The three of them stood in silence for a moment until Ned gave Sebastian a nudge. His arms jerked forward, shoving the box towards her. She frowned.

"What is it?"

"Open it."

She pressed her lips together, taking the tatty box with trembling hands. She pulled out one of the envelopes, addressed to her. There were over a hundred. She dropped the box to the floor, tearing the letter open. Her head was spinning too much to read it properly, but the end was clear: 'I miss you so much, Gracie. Love, Sebastian.'

Her hands shook as she stared at the letter and back up to him.

"Every week. Every single one says I miss you. I'm so sorry they didn't make it to you, but I never stopped writing. I never stopped missing you, and I never stopped being your big brother."

Her grip tightened on the letter in her hands, crumpling it, and without a word she turned on her heel and ran upstairs. Sebastian and Ned glanced at each other nervously. Ned wanted to say something to comfort him and reassure him, but he wasn't entirely sure what was going on. Sebastian shook his head in disbelief. He thought she'd understand. He felt like he was going to pass out, until Grace reappeared, leaping down the stairs two at a time. He was about to tell her to slow down before she hurt herself, but he noticed a box in her hand. It was the same size as his, and she thrust it into his arms before he could ask what it was. She nodded at him excitedly and he opened it.

It was full of more letters. They showed her handwriting getting gradually tidier, envelopes in different hues to reflect the changes in her favourite colours, some with stickers and smiley faces and hearts, some with nothing but his address at the Parisian school or Dalton.

Sebastian didn't need to open any of them.

"I missed you too, Bash."

He dropped her box on top of his and scooped her into his arms, not noticing how much heavier she was or how different her body felt wrapped around him as she threw her legs around his waist. He just kissed her cheek and her hair, his eyes squeezed shut as he held onto her for all he was worth. He whispered that he was sorry and she whispered that it was okay. Over Sebastian's shoulder, Grace caught sight of Ned beaming. He gave a nervous wave.

"Hello."

"Oh!" Sebastian put Grace down, wiping his eyes with the heel of his hand, using the other to hold onto hers. "Grace, this is Ned."

"I know. He said. Is he your boyfriend?"

Sebastian's mouth fell open. He glanced at Ned, who shrugged with a mischievous smile. He wasn't going to say it for him. Sebastian took a deep breath.

"Yes. Ned is my boyfriend." Ned kept smiling at him. "Actually, it was Ned's idea to come here today. I've told him so much about my little sister; he wanted to see what all the fuss was about."

Grace looked at Ned, eyes wide, smiling openly.

"Really?"

"Well, he wanted to come anyway; he missed you so much-"

Before he could finish arguing, Grace had charged at him, forcing the breath out of his lungs as she hugged him. He stroked her hair as her face was buried in his chest, looking at Sebastian, who smiled at him. He looked different, as if a weight had been lifted, as if his smile had been missing something this whole time. He'd looked happy before, ecstatic even, but now he seemed free. A tear ran down his cheek and he didn't bother to wipe it away. He'd only just started to show himself around Ned, but he'd done it for Grace for as long as he could remember. These were the only two people in the world he didn't have to or want to pretend in front of.

"I think she likes me."

Sebastian grinned.

"I think I can see why."

Sebastian started to visit his sister as often as he could. Sometimes Ned came with him; sometimes he gave them time to themselves. They would make hot chocolate and help with her homework and build forts, and even though Grace insisted she was too old, they convinced her otherwise. Sebastian would read to her, still remembering how to do the different voices, and Ned and Grace would gang up on him in tickle fights until he couldn't breathe. Once, maybe twice a month, when he knew his parents would be working late, he drove back to the house that wasn't his home, that had never been his home in the first place, and pretended it was him and his sister, just like it used to be. He convinced himself that everything had fallen into place; he had Ned and Grace and he was happy. But every time, at eight o'clock, he had to leave. He read to Grace and tucked her in and when she woke up he'd be gone. He would drive away, his eyes stinging, with no idea how long he'd have to wait to see her again.

It was Spring. Sebastian had been secretly babysitting for almost four months, and he was about to leave Dalton one Tuesday evening when Ned stopped him by the main entrance.

"Say hi to Grace for me."

Sebastian grinned.

"I always do. Do you want to come?"

Ned took a deep breath. He did want to go with him, he wanted to go everywhere with him, but as much as he loved Grace, and as sweet as it was to see them together, he wasn't sure if he could handle it. He knew he'd have to see Seb break when the time came to say goodbye and leave her alone in that big house. He decided he'd rather go with him than make him do it alone. The least he could do was hold his hand on the way back. He stuck on a smile and nodded.

Sebastian frowned for a second, knowing a fake smile when he saw it, but they only had a few hours. He gave Ned's hand a squeeze and kissed his forehead before opening the car door for him.

They switched between radio stations for ten minutes, pretending there was no tension between them, before Ned had to say something.

"How long are you going to keep doing this?"

Sebastian glanced at his fingers as they tapped on the steering wheel.

"Until we get there. I like this song."

"Really? I thought you hated- that's not what I meant. Bash, are you really going to keep this up with Grace?"

Sebastian raised his eyebrows and glanced at Ned.

"Did you just call me Bash?"

"I'm not being cute. Sebastian is a long name. Don't change the subject. You can't carry on like this."

"I'm happy. School's good, Grace is awesome, you're- sorry, but you're definitely pretty cute. It's cool."

"Seb."

"Bash is fine."

"I know you hate leaving her."

Sebastian's lips tightened. He swallowed.

"I don't have a choice. Ugh, why is this guy going so slowly? We're going to be late."

"I'm sure she'll forgive you. Anyway, we're doing the limit." He put a hand on Sebastian's thigh. "I'm worried about you. Every time you have to go, it upsets you. It's killing you."

"It's worth it."

"But what about Grace?"

Sebastian frowned. He hadn't thought about it hurting her.

"What about her? Has she said anything?"

"Of course not; she's learnt that from you. I just don't know if you can both keep putting yourself through this."

"What can I do? I won't stop seeing her, Ned. I can't-"

Ned's hand slid up to his back.

"No, no, I wasn't saying that- I just- you shouldn't hide it. Tell them."

Sebastian went quiet. He gripped harder onto the steering wheel. He shook his head.

"It's been months. They must know something's up; they can't be that oblivious-"

"They are. Trust me."

Six months ago, Ned would have frozen at that tone. It was snappy and harsh. Now he knew it just meant Sebastian was scared.

"I do trust you. So does Grace. She deserves more than these secret evenings together."

"I don't know what they'll do. They made me leave the country before. What if they send her away?"

"Why would they? Isn't she the one they want to keep as close as possible?"

"That's how they think. It's not about her. They'd rather pretend they were in control than have a happy kid. If they find out about this, it'll be like they've lost. They don't want to look bad."

"But it sounds like you're just playing along. Is this you winning their little game? As far as they know, you're at Dalton, living some sordid life away from them. Secret meetings with Grace, secret boyfriend, secret everything. That's what they want. And it's making you miserable. I think it sucks, and you're just letting it happen. That's not you. You should be fighting this."

Sebastian pulled over abruptly, throwing both of them forward against their seatbelts and provoking a barrage of horns and abuse from other drivers.

"I can't fight them. Both of them against me, I've tried it before, and I always lost. I'm not strong enough."

"You don't have to do it alone this time."

Ned stretched in his seat, rubbing his shoulder where the fabric had dug into his skin.

"Sorry," Sebastian gingerly stroked Ned's collarbone where it was slightly pink, "I didn't mean to-"

"I know. I'm fine. Look, you've got me and Grace backing you up. We've got to try. You can't carry on like this. I don't want to see you in tears once a month."

Sebastian laughed sadly.

"I _knew_ you'd seen-"

Ned squeezed his hand.

"I see everything. Just promise me you'll think about it?"

Sebastian wet his lips, forcing himself to look into Ned's eyes. He didn't know when he'd got so strong, but he liked it. He liked having him on his side.

Sebastian choked down a coffee to get him through the drive back.

"You know I don't mind doing it if you're too tired."

"I like driving at night."

"I don't like crashing."

"You say that every time, and I wouldn't do it if I wasn't up to it. I wouldn't put you in danger."

"You say _that_ every time."

"I mean it every time."

"Remind me, have we been dating for four months or married for forty years?"

"We're gross."

Grace shouted from upstairs.

"I'm ready!"

They pulled themselves up from the sofa and jogged up the stairs to Grace's room where she was sitting upright in bed, arms folded. Sebastian frowned as they sat on either side of her.

"What's up? You don't want us to read to you?"

She shook her head. Ned tilted his head.

"Would it be better if it was just Bash?"

She shook it again.

"Gracie, don't you want to find out what happens to Toad?"

"No. I hate him."

"But he's funny-"

"No, he isn't. He's noisy and rude and stupid and he gets everyone in trouble. There's a boy in my class like him. He does one thing right and the teachers act like it's amazing, but I'm _always_ good and they don't even notice."

Ned grinned at Sebastian.

"I know the type. Thinks he's better than everyone. I prefer Mole."

Sebastian grinned back.

"Nah. Mole's a wimp. I like the Rat. He's fun. He goes on adventures."

Ned's smile became firmer, his eyes locking with Seb's until he shifted on the bed.

"Mole takes more risks than people realise. I think he's brave."

Grace scowled at her lap, refusing to look at them.

"Stop it. They're all stupid. I don't want you to read anything to me. Either of you."

Sebastian's mouth fell open. They'd had a normal evening, food, homework, a movie; he didn't know what had changed. Ned brought his legs up to cross them on the bed, trying to maintain a calm atmosphere. He ducked down to catch Grace's eye.

"Why? Is something wrong?"

She finally looked up at him and her eyes were glistening with tears.

"I don't want you to read to me. You always read to me, then you say goodnight, then you leave. Then I have to wait a whole week before I can see you again. I don't want a story. I want you to stay."

Sebastian took her hand and bit back a sob.

"I want to stay too, you know that, but I can't. You know Mom won't let me."

"I thought you didn't care what Mom wanted."

"I care about you. I don't want you to get in trouble."

"It doesn't matter. You got in trouble and now you've got Ned. Isn't it worth a little bit of trouble?"

He bit his lip, his head shaking slightly.

"I can't lose you again-"

"You won't. I know you'll come back no matter what they do. Even if Mom lies again, I won't believe her. Can't you just try?"

Sebastian looked at Ned. His expression was calm, not sad or smiling, his eyebrows raised expectantly. Seb gave the slightest shrug. He was stuck. Ned put a hand on the small of his back and turned to Grace.

"It's late. You should probably go to sleep."

"I don't want to; you'll leave."

They all heard the crunch of gravel and saw headlights shine through the curtains as a car pulled into the driveway. The humming engine came to a halt. Sebastian froze in panic.

"They're early. They're never early. We have to go."

He stood up to leave but Grace grabbed his hand and yanked him back down, pulling him into a hug.

"No, you don't. Please don't, I won't let you, I'll explain to them that you're just looking after me while they're out-"

"No, Gracie, it's not that simple-"

They could hear loud voices travelling up the stairs.

"I'm telling you that's his car. I paid for it; I know what it looks like. He's here. Grace!"

Two pairs of feet came stamping upstairs. Sebastian couldn't help thinking it was actually sweet that they carpooled. They were shitty parents, but they probably belonged together. He could've punched himself. That was what he got for being someone's boyfriend; even his parents seemed cute.

Sebastian jumped up and ran to the door. Grace grabbed onto Ned's waist, pulling him close until her face was buried in his sweater. She didn't want to hear them yelling. She'd heard it too many times before. Ned shushed her and stroked her hair, his body tensing up as he waited for some kind of explosion to erupt from the landing.

"What the hell are you doing here?" was all they heard before Sebastian closed the door behind him.

"I'm here for Grace. I just wanted to see her."

His father's expression was impenetrable.

"Just like you wanted to go back to Paris? Then back to Dalton? We've put up with enough of this, Sebastian-"

"Mark, please, keep your voice down-"

"Why should I? She must know what he's like by now. He's a flake. I don't want him in my house."

"What about what we've put up with? You lied to her face, Mom. She showed me the letters you said I sent back. It's over. We both know what you've been doing."

"I did it for her own good. That doesn't give you the right-"

"To what? The right to babysit? So what if I come and look after her sometimes; it's more than either of you do."

"Sometimes? You've done it before?"

"A few times. Since November. Maybe if you'd been here, you'd have known."

Helen took a step towards him, her jaw trembling with rage.

"How dare you. How dare you come into my house, do who knows what with my daughter-"

"Right, God forbid someone play with her. Do you know what she's reading, Mother? Do you know what her favourite meal is? Have you ever spent an afternoon making pancakes with her, or watching a movie? If she means so much to you, why aren't you both here?"

Mark put a hand on his wife's waist defensively.

"Don't you talk to your mother like that-"

Sebastian shook his head, the epitome of calm.

"Nope. You don't get to play the parent cards anymore. You pay for my school, and you have _no_ idea how grateful I am to be there, but that's where it ends. All we're doing is looking after her, and it's making all of us happy. And we're not going to stop."

His father frowned.

"We? Who else have you got in there?"

"Are you listening to me? I'm back in her life now and I'm not letting go. She won't stop being the perfect daughter you can parade in front of your friends. She'll still get good grades and eat her vegetables and brush her teeth; she'll still look the part, but I'll be here. I'll stay out of your way. I don't want anything else from you. You can keep pretending I don't exist as far as I'm concerned. You can keep hating me. I'm not crazy about either of you. But I'm not staying away from her."

There was a creak behind him as Grace emerged, closely followed by Ned who was holding her hand. He was smiling proudly at Sebastian. He smiled back at him and down at Grace. Her cheeks were wet, but she was happy.

Their parents were not smiling.

"Who the fuck is that?"

"Mom-"

"Get your hands off my daughter."

Ned's instinct was to do as he was told, but Grace had a firm grip. He put his free hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. Grace looked defiantly up at her mother.

"This is Ned. He's Sebastian's friend from school. He comes over to look after me."

Sebastian steeled himself. He was so used to being honest with everyone about Ned now, and even though his mother and father wouldn't be as happy for him as everyone else, he wasn't going to lie about Ned. Ned was the one who'd reminded him how to be honest; the least he could do was tell his parents about him with pride.

"He's my _boyfriend_, Mom. He likes to come and see Grace with me. He makes me happy."

Her eyes narrowed as she took in the small but determined-looking boy holding her daughter's hand. She smirked, and it was clear where Seb had got it from.

"I hope you understand what you're getting into. You don't know where this one's been."

Ned wanted to hit her, but he settled for what he thought was a cool, detached stare. How could anyone talk like that about their own child?

"He knows everything. He knows more than I do. Grace loves him." He glanced back at Ned, who offered nothing but support just with his smile. He wasn't encouraging him to tell them any more than he wanted and it made him want to tell them everything. "_I_ love him."

Mark scowled at them both in turn, ignoring Grace completely.

"Listen to yourselves. What are you going to do? Take her away from her big bad parents? Whisk her off to the school we're paying for, raise her in some sick little family? Is she supposed to sleep in your dorm? She's a perfectly happy, healthy little girl. She doesn't need you."

"I do, Daddy. He's my brother."

"Not now, Grace. Come here," Helen whispered, holding her hand out to her daughter. Grace shook her head and clutched at Ned's wrist, hiding her face behind it. He kept his eyes on the top of her head.

"This is your doing. You've told her something."

"She didn't need me to tell her. She's not an idiot, Dad. She knew I hadn't just disappeared, and she knows I'm not going to. And no, of course I'm not going to take her away. I couldn't and I wouldn't want to. She doesn't deserve to be taken away from her friends, her home, her life. I know how much it hurts. I just want to see her."

"We'll stop you. I don't want you near her."

"Could I just interject?" Ned mumbled, "You tried to stop him before. You haven't come off very well."

"_You_ can stay out of it," Mark snapped, his lips thin and pale, "this is complicated."

"No it isn't." Grace had come out from behind Ned's arm. "I won't forgive you. If you move him away or stop him coming here, I'll hate you forever. _Hate_ you."

She didn't say it like most ten-year-olds do. It wasn't petulant or rash. It was considered and frank and honest. Sebastian was proud of her, if slightly annoyed that she was probably more mature at ten than he was at seventeen.

"And I can make things uncomfortable for you. I can embarrass you. Ned and I could do things in public that you really wouldn't want the press getting a hold of." Ned bit his lip. He knew Seb was bluffing, but the idea was still mortifying. He tried to suppress the flush in his cheeks. "It can't look good for a District Attorney to have a son getting up to no good all over town."

Helen glanced at her husband.

"Mark?"

"Looks like it's up to you, Father. You can have a free babysitter or public humiliation. I know I wouldn't vote for a guy who can't even keep his own son under control."

"And you can promise me you don't want to live here again?"

"God, no. I've got reasons to stay at Dalton." Ned smiled to himself. "I only want to be here when you're not. Everybody wins."

"Mark, say something. _Mark_."

"Come on, _Mark_. We're all waiting. Yes or no?"

"Grace; go to bed. It's late. Say goodbye to Sebastian."

Her eyes filled with tears. She shook her head.

"No, Daddy, you can't! You have to let him come back!"

"Do what I'm telling you. You'll see your brother again soon."

Sebastian's air of confidence faltered for a beat.

"Really? I can come back?"

"Can he, Dad? Please?"

Mark looked at the floor. He was furious, but he didn't have a leg to stand on. He argued for a living, and he knew when he'd been beaten.

"As long as I don't have to speak to you, as long as you stay out of my way, you can come here. You can give Grace her dinner, watch her until we get home, and then you leave. I want all of her homework done. A slip in either of your grades and we review the situation. We can change our minds if we see fit. And _he_ doesn't come," he nodded toward Ned.

Grace clung to his hand.

"Yes he does. I want him too. Please." Sebastian turned to look at them both, staying between them and his parents as a human shield. He couldn't shake the instinct to protect them both from anything he thought could hurt them, and as far as he was concerned they were two of the most dangerous things on Earth.

"Yes. Ned comes too when he wants. We can take her out at weekends if we like, provided her schoolwork is done."

Mark's lip twitched. He had always resented settling, but he'd raised a worthy opponent.

"Fine. Now I think you've had your fun for tonight. You've made us look like monsters and you've got your way. Are you happy?"

"Seeing Grace will make me happy."

"Marvellous. Now get out."

Sebastian felt a huge smile brewing in his stomach, but he suppressed it. He nodded at his parents before turning back to Grace and Ned. He stooped down to give her a hug, holding tight as he whispered 'see you soon, Gracieface' in her ear. She giggled and squeezed back. He stood up and held a hand out to Ned.

"Shall we?"

Ned gave a coy nod and took it, lacing his fingers between Sebastian's. As they walked past his parents, he glanced back at them.

"It was nice meeting you."

Sebastian fought an urge to burst out laughing and Ned grinned at Grace then followed Seb down the stairs. They quietly slipped their shoes and jackets on, smiling occasionally at each other. They both wanted to scream in victory, and part of Sebastian wanted to ravish Ned then and there, but they held it all in as they walked to the car, hand in hand. They climbed in and sat in silence for a few seconds, letting the last ten minutes sink in.

"Fuck," Ned whispered, "you did it."

Sebastian nodded and swallowed, trying to squeeze the lump out of his throat.

"Uh-huh. I. Yeah. Fuck. It worked."

"I guess you don't always have to be nice to people."

"They don't understand nice."

Ned brought Sebastian's hand to his mouth and kissed it, beaming at him.

"I'm so proud of you."

Sebastian smiled back and kissed the corner of Ned's mouth, his head still spinning and their hands still squeezing together as Ned kissed him back. His hand came up to Ned's face, feeling the cool skin under his palm. Ned's tongue slid up against his, and he let out a small moan as he leaned into him, and Sebastian could have stayed like that for hours, holding the boy who'd given him so much, but he gently pulled away. Their foreheads pressed together and they both gave a quiet, breathless laugh. Ned looked into Sebastian's eyes and covered the hand on his cheek with his own.

"Ned?"

"Mmm?"

"Let's go home."

"Don't you mean school?"

He shook his head.

"I mean Dalton."

Dalton was more his home than this place had ever been. His home was wherever Ned was.

* * *

Okay, just wanted to say thanks to those of you who have been following this for as long as you have, and anyone else who's tagged along since. It's finally finished (and I mean finally because I'd actually started this months before I started posting here) and I'm glad you guys like Ned as much as I do x


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